“Jesus, Ally, when was the last time you emptied the lint trap on the dryer?”
“Suck it.”
“What?”
“Uh oh. Poop threat level Orange.”
“Stop telling me these things, Jethro. We’re not that close.”
“That’s fine, but I still don’t think the dog should see you naked.”
“Whatever. Hot Karl and the Blumpkins is an amazing name for a band.” [Editor’s Note: if you Google that, you do so at your own risk.]
“If I have to watch another episode of Ice Road Truckers, I will make that remote and your prostrate romantically involved.”
“You can’t order African babies like you order chicken at Church’s, sugar.”
“Dog, your breath smells like a bag of assholes.”
“For someone who doesn’t like dirty hippies, you sure do walk around without your pants on an awful lot.”
“Shame SHAME is your name, Neil Diamond!!”
For those interested in what Neil Diamond did:
I think Jethro’s statement was appropriate.
*I know that’s not right. Don’t be that guy who emails me about incorrect conjugation. Nobody likes that guy.
Kind of a Mess 
Sorry, but I agree about Hot Karl and the Blumpkins. I think it’s entirely awesome and I would have them play at my wedding just so I could snicker when C’s grandma asks what that means.
I laughed so hard at this because a) you’re hilarious, and b) Our dialogue is essentially the same. Except sometimes I’m the one giving poop threat level updates.
I love that you’d do it just to get C’s grandmother to say “blumpkin.”
I honestly think that if you put a microphone in people’s houses, you’d get a lot of mundane stuff, but you’d also get some of the most hilarious things EVER. Especially out of context….
I’m with Jo. You are in fact hilarious, and a lot of this would not seem out of place in our home either. Through conversations like these I have learned that my husband is exceptionally squimish about my having bodily functions. He gets flustered, and embarrassed and laughs if I mention poop. Being that this is one of the few ways I’ve found to shut him up, I can not say that I have used this power for good.
Jethro rarely speaks in public, but you can make him giggle like a schoolgirl if you mention poop.
Menstrual cycles are banned in my house. I’m supposed to refer to it as my “bidness.”
Yeah.
Ask me how often THAT happens….
This is hilarious. We talk about poop all the time too! Probably too much, in fact.
The first time Mark had an apartment with a friend in college, they would run their clothes through the dryer like ten times and it still wouldn’t work. Until I checked the lint filter. It was like the Muppets all crawled in there and shed all over it!
I’m horrible about emptying the lint trap. It’s a family thing, my mom is notorious for it too…
Laundry sucks.
What did Neil Diamond do?
I added the video, just for you.
HILARIOUS.
isaiah and i just realized we make a STARTLING number of aids jokes every day…yes every..day…and we’re not proud of it, ha.
I got Tony an HIV microbe plushie for Christmas. It now has a prominent spot in the living room.
BE PROUD! Own it!
I shouldn’t talk, I didn’t include some of the more horrible things we say…
The first one is my fave. “suck it” is almost always an appropriate response, to any question in our house.