Dirty Little Secret: Video Vixen

Dirty Little Secrets will be an ongoing series on the blog.  I share my dirty little secrets, which are barely dirty and mostly not secret, and then you share your similar secrets in the comments.  No judging, just lots of love.  The kind of sharing that Grover taught us on Sesame Street.  [Please note: if you did not learn how to share from Grover on Sesame Street, you are probably too young for this blog.  Get your butt over here post-haste.]


At one point in my life, all I wanted to be was a video girl.  You know, the love interest in a music video?  Not like the current video vixens who hump the floor and make their booty clap.  I’m not even talking the 80’s white girl video girls who were all Aqua Net, stilettos and fish-nets.

Nope, my video girl dreams were those of the early 90’s R&B boy bands.  We’re talking very early 90’s, like Boyz II Men, Color Me Badd, All-4-One and other similar 3 word balladeers.

I would be dressed in a gauzy babydoll dress and cute flats, and there would be montages of me walking through parks and eating ice cream as a camera creepily followed me, watching my every move like a serial killer.

Then there’s be the requisite shot of me running in slow-motion as a I turned back and looked a the camera and laughed, my joy at life as evident as my stylish blazer with shoulder pads and epaulets.

All of these shots would be interspersed with shots of the various memebers of the band doing sensitive things.

Like painting.

Or writing a love poem.

Or staring at the camera and emoting.

And I would end up with the bass, because he was sexy and he had a cane.

And then there’s the Tevin Campbell video, where we’d start out in love in the beginning, but have silent fights through out as he’d sing how he needed me to “tell me what you want me to do.”

There’d be shots of old happy Alyssa/Tevin on a beach or at a carnival where he wins me a clown statue, and then they’d be inter-cut with shots of him and I arguing, silvery tears running down my face and him shaking his head in frustration.  And then, in the course of our fight, the clown statue would be broken. And we’d stare at it in horror, the representation of our failing relationship.

And then at the end, as he dragged out one final melisma for 30 seconds, you’d see me walking out the door, leaving forever.  But as the little white credits rolled in the corner and the last notes started to fade…and I’m getting in the taxi to drive off…you’d see Tevin suddenly run into the frame and grab my hand on the door handle.

And then we’d embrace.  (Hug, not kiss. We were both like 15 at the time of this imagining…) And you know everything was going to be okay.

I would have been AWESOME.

‘fess up, moppets.  What kind of video girl would you have been?  (I am not the only one who has imagined this as a teen, DO NOT EVEN LIE.)

34 comments on “Dirty Little Secret: Video Vixen

  1. Jo
    February 25, 2011 at 7:13 am #

    I wasn’t allowed to watch TV. I snuck dirty library books. So my dream was to be the maiden that has to marry the gorgeous yet aloof prince/duke/whatever in order to save her village and is introduced to a love she never dreamed and sexual pleasure beyond her wildest imagination. And they live in a castle but lie in bed most of the time gazing out on the moors. When they fight they can break glass things because he’s rich, and she has a career bringing education to all of the neighboring villages and is worshiped and adored, as is he because she melted the mean shell.

    I know. SO not the same.

    • d-day
      February 25, 2011 at 8:18 am #

      bahahaha but honestly that’s a lot closer to my teen fantasies than the video vixen! I wasn’t allowed to watch much tv either, and then later when we had one I was pretty well discouraged from watching MTV. I did manage to fantasize well into my college years about being one of Robert Palmer’s red lipped guitar players. which is kind of sad because they’re so DULL now that I look back at them. but something about them was just.. simply.. irresistable.. (sorry I had to!)

    • kindofamess
      February 25, 2011 at 1:39 pm #

      Um, YES HUH, THAT IS TOO THE SAME! It’s awesome, it’s like Beauty and the best meets Harlequin romance meets Dynasty. (With the breaking glass and what not.)

      I discovered trashy romances around age 12. I think my parents thought I was reading them because there were dirty bits in there, but I always skipped over those. (Still do. Screw the throbbing member, get to the romance!)

    • Trisha
      February 25, 2011 at 4:49 pm #

      Haha! My TV was pretty censored. And I grew up in a small town. Cable meant 13 channels. So yeah, I didn’t get any exposure to music videos at a young age. However, my dad let me buy The Valley of the Horses when I was 12. If you’re not familiar with the book, it’s the sequel to Clan of the Cave Bear. And it has sex in it. A lot of sex. It was all really romantic, lots of foreplay sort of sex. After reading I fantasized about going off on a solo trekking through the ice age wilderness adventure, where I would meet a passionate, soulful man who would take me far away across the continent meeting new people and learning new cultures.

  2. Lor
    February 25, 2011 at 7:54 am #

    Not gonna lie, the Nelly video Down Down Baby – where the girl in the cute pink tank top and pink bandana was the first time I thought, “Hey, I could be a video girl” Especially the rap videos, who doesn’t like a curvy hispanic girl!! hahahaaha, though I’m sure they would never pick me…lol.

  3. Jen
    February 25, 2011 at 9:22 am #

    I was always going to be as cool as Tiffany.

    I think we’re alone now….

    This is a part of my memory I have definitely repressed.

    this. is. bad.

    • d-day
      February 25, 2011 at 9:50 am #

      oh my gosh this one friend and I STILL get up and do an interpretive dance at this song at least 3 times a year.

    • kindofamess
      February 25, 2011 at 1:40 pm #

      NO. This is AMAZING.

      I always liked Tiffany more than Debbie. My friend Chantal and I used to direct music videos to her songs….

      • Chantal
        April 30, 2011 at 12:35 pm #

        EEEEEEEE!!!! Tiffany!!!! …the beating of our hearts is the only sa-ound….(boom. ba-boom)….
        I think she is the reason I have a thing for redheads. But only women. Nicole Kidman, Julianne Moore, Molly Ringwald, et cetera, et cetera.

  4. Jen
    February 25, 2011 at 10:17 am #

    video or it didn’t happen 😉

  5. Nicole
    February 25, 2011 at 11:18 am #

    I was totally in Jo’s frame of mind. Dirty Books all the way. Though I always imagined myself in Colonial America for some reason.

    • kindofamess
      February 25, 2011 at 1:52 pm #

      Ooo. Dirty Johnny Tremain.

      There was a book that I LOVED about a teen romance during the Revolutionary War. I think “My Soldier” or something was in the title, but I can’t remember it and Google is failing me….

  6. Ms. Bunny
    February 25, 2011 at 11:47 am #

    Honestly, I wanted to be the silhouette girl with the thigh high boots in Queens of the Stone Age’s “Go with the Flow” video.

  7. Valerie
    February 25, 2011 at 11:57 am #

    do you remember when Lark Voorhies was in that Boyz II Men video? I do. I thought her career was made.

    I didn’t want to be one of those girls, but I desperately desperately wanted to be one of the dancers in a mid-nineties Janet Jackson or Madonna video. The choreography blew my teenage ballerina mind and sometimes I still you-tube those videos.

  8. Meg Mooney
    February 25, 2011 at 12:56 pm #

    I wanted to be Alicia Silverstone in ALL of the Aerosmith videos.

    • McPants
      February 25, 2011 at 1:26 pm #

      Ha, I wanted to be Liv Tyler in those Aerosmith videos! Clearly I was too young to think about how creepy it is for her to be looking all sexy in her dad’s video. 🙂

    • kindofamess
      February 25, 2011 at 1:55 pm #

      Especially when she drop-kicks that dude that stole her purse? That’s so you.

  9. spiralcma
    February 25, 2011 at 12:58 pm #

    I wanted to be a Robert Palmer girl so bad, I dressed up as one for THREE halloweens in a row.

    • kindofamess
      February 25, 2011 at 1:56 pm #

      So did my neighbor! Such a great go-to costume….

  10. Emi
    February 25, 2011 at 1:23 pm #

    Dream #1: Be the “uptown” girl from Billy Joel’s video (even though I grew up in the country).
    Dream #2: I wanted a “Goonies” experience with my friends, a treasure hunt, while being chased by (not too scary) pirates.

    • McPants
      February 25, 2011 at 1:29 pm #

      Oh my God, I *still* want a Goonies experience! There should be a goonies theme park where you get to wander around creepy caves and slide down rock waterslides. I would buy a season pass.

      • kindofamess
        February 25, 2011 at 1:56 pm #

        DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN, why hasn’t someone done this already?!?

  11. lizzie
    February 25, 2011 at 2:04 pm #

    you are too funny, alyssa.
    oh man, i was a little sad already-grown-up child talking about being a lawyer and a writer someday. i still haven’t shut down either door, ha. i suppose i need to start closing doors myself, because opportunity isn’t closing them, you know?

    • kindofamess
      February 27, 2011 at 10:43 am #

      No way!! I worked with a lady that got her law degree at 56 after three kids, a divorce and being a grandma who helps take care of her grandbaby.
      Close it a little if it helps narrow your vision, but make sure it’s still unlocked so you can get through it later on.

  12. Becky Mochaface
    February 25, 2011 at 4:52 pm #

    I didn’t have MTV until college. And by then they didn’t play music videos anymore. So sadly I never had this daydream.

    • kindofamess
      February 27, 2011 at 10:45 am #

      To be fair, I was watching a lot of VH1 also. (I liked that soft pop.)

      • Chantal
        April 30, 2011 at 12:38 pm #

        And soft pop (up video). VH1 was not lame. No it wasn’t. It wasn’t!

  13. Angela
    February 25, 2011 at 8:36 pm #

    When I was about five I really wanted to be a solid gold dancer. It was my life’s aspiration. I would put on my bathing suit and dance around the kitchen pretending to be one.

  14. Torie
    February 26, 2011 at 2:41 am #

    I wanted to be stephanie Seymour in the ‘november rain’ video because ….. Now this is a dirty secret …. I was in love with axl rose
    cue slightly embarrassed but wistful sigh

    • kindofamess
      February 27, 2011 at 10:49 am #

      As long as it’s old Axl and not Axl now, you are totally okay….

  15. VNikol
    February 9, 2012 at 10:21 am #

    You described that teen fantasy in perfect detail. And I know it’s been a year since anyone’s commented on this post but I’m a new subscriber and absolutely enjoying your blog, so much that I had to hit up the archives to check out past posts.And that rarely ever happens. But you’re rendering lots of laughter & well, laughter is kinda my thing.

    As for the teen fantasy, I wanted to be Paula Abdul. She’d just hit the scene in the early 90’s and I was in complete awe of her ability to clap, spin AND drop to the floor – at the same time. She made tap dancing look cool. My clumsiness was obvious as a kid so whenever I’d hear the slightest intro from one of her videos (….remember those), I run to the living room – sit indian style, elbow on knee/chin on fist & just stare at the TV, taking in every move….

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