A afternoon at the ‘bux

(Some musings as I attempted to blog on Sunday while at Starbucks. I felt the urge to get these random thoughts out of my head, lest they become even more distracting.  Instead, they became a post. Bonus.)

Is it rude to spank someone else’s child? How about illegal? I can deal with rude, but illegal gives me pause…only slightly. Are we talking fine-illegal or jail time-illegal?  Will there be a trial? Because I can play back the video of this little boy who has to be 8 and still sucking his thumb and screaming “I WANT THE TURTLES!!!!!” and I will get off EASY. Possibly with restitution for my ruined afternoon.

Wait. Are they chocolate turtles? Because I might spank him and then knock him down and steal them. I’m not into chocolate, but I make an exception when they include caramel.

*********

I’ve had three people this week who, when they find out ‘ been married for over a year, ask me about kids. Which is fine, we’re in Texas and that’s just small talk, not impolite. But when  say, “Not yet,”  they reply with “Well, are you trying?”

What?

I mean, I realize that I implied that we want them with the “Not yet,” but did you seriously just ask me that?

Because you do know you just asked me if my husband and I were having sex and how we were doing it.

Maybe you meant that I might be taking birth control and then stopped. But that still means you are inquiring about the state of my vagina, and as progressive, free-wheelin’ and “Whatever’s whatever, baby…” I am, I still find that tacky.

Mind your business.

**********

I have a strong urge to check my Words with Friends app every five minutes.  (Lyssachelle.  Add me!) I am never going to get anything done if I keep logging on to spell even more four letters words, with the “qi” and “xis” thrown in to get rid of those pesky unusable letters.  I’m terrible.  And addicted.

**********

THAT KID IS SCREAMING AGAIN.  At this point, the mother just needs to take him home. I’ve already leveled my “Glare o’ Doom” her way to no avail. Is it a parent thing to be able to ignore the immense screaming of your offspring when it’s making others’ ears bleed? Amazing.

Jesus. Where’s Supernanny?  Hell, he possibly might need that lady from “It’s Me or the Dog.”

**********

I don’t like my barista.  She seems like the type to ask you when you’re due when she knows damn well you’re not pregnant. That kind of snark makes me nervous.

**********

I’ve gotten two emails from MySpace saying they miss and want me to come back.

Honey, we broke up. We had some good times. But it’s over.

Although Jethro did ask me out on MySpace. We met while I was dating someone else and his sister, a good friend of mine was like, “You need to date my brother. You make lemon squares and I hate his girlfriend. It needs to happen.”

And then a few weeks later, when we’d disposed of the exes, he sent me a message on MySpace asking me if I wanted to go to dinner or coffee or something.

He says that he didn’t think that “You’re pretty and funny and I want to see your boobies,” would go over well.

He obviously didn’t know me.

**********

Ooo.  I just remembered that not only do I have a backlog of Toddlers and Tiara’s recorded, but there’s a Buffy marathon on today.  I’ll have  to wrestle Jethro for the remote.  It’s okay.  I ain’t a-scared of him.

**********

Thank God. Bratty McGee has left.

That mom should rent that child out to high schools. 20 minutes with him and they’ll never want to have sex EVER again. INSTANT birth control.

Hell, I’m thinking of gettinga tuvel ligation on the way home.

But I’ll finish my caramel macchiato first…

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19 comments on “A afternoon at the ‘bux

  1. irisira
    February 24, 2011 at 7:07 am #

    Ha. You handled Bratty McGee well. I might have gone bezerk. C and I were on the ferry from Long Island to Fire Island beach one day (a few years ago), and we were on the open air part of the ferry. These parents were just ignoring their kids as they ran up and down the aisles as if it was an effing playground. I’m not sure if I would have panicked or laughed if one of them tumbled overboard.

    I got one of those emails from MySpace as well.

    My coworkers are obsessed with the idea that I’m going to have a baby soon. There are two women in my office who are preggers, and a guy whose wife is pregnant as well, so I am (sort of) off the hook (for now), but it’s just a matter of time before it starts again. BTW, it’s not exactly a secret that C and I don’t want kids, and I’m not sure if that makes it funnier or more obnoxious.

    • kindofamess
      February 24, 2011 at 11:42 am #

      I LOVE kids. But sometimes I really really really really hate their parents. Because it’s not their fault they’re little assholes, it’s their parents’….

      You should tell people you’re not having kids because the state required you to get your tubes tied. Then let them wonder…

      • irisira
        February 26, 2011 at 3:56 pm #

        Ha. Love it. I tried this: “Oh, we can’t have children. Our dog is terrified of them.” (Which, actually, is not an untrue statement. Our 80+ lb Doberman mix is scared of kids. It would be funny if it wasn’t so pathetic.) Genius, right? Except, no. “Oh, I’m sure he would be fine with them in time!” Um … obviously someone who says that is looking to change the subject.

        I still like the one I saw on ESB best: “Maybe we’ll make one tonight!”

  2. Nicole
    February 24, 2011 at 8:09 am #

    Lord, but I do remember those baby conversations. I’m trying to prepare snarky responses for when we go back to Texas in a couple of weeks. It’ll be fantastic.

    And, I totally feel you on Words with Friends. I play on my husband’s account because I’m not cool enough for i-Anything. But, when I’m with him, I’m checking that game like there’s no tomorrow.

    Also, good job with Bratty McGee. I spend most of my time working in coffee shops anymore, and yelling kids are the thing that will send me to my breaking point faster than anything else. Which means I probably shouldn’t have kids yet. Hmm.

    • kindofamess
      February 24, 2011 at 11:46 am #

      And most of the time, the intial questions are from sweet well-meaning people so it’s not a problem. But it’s the follow-up about the trying that’s an issue. KEEP YER NOSE OUTTA MY VAJAYJAY!

      It’s maddening, that Word with Friends. I have even been known to start a game with myself just to keep playing when it’s late and everyone else is in bed like normal people.

      • Nicole
        February 24, 2011 at 8:30 pm #

        Ah! So true! I often play myself, pretending that I’m just trying get better. 🙂

  3. KatjaMichelle
    February 24, 2011 at 10:40 am #

    It’s only illegal if you get caught, ask everyone in the Bux who is a mandated reporter (that’d be me) to close their eyes or leave the premises. Or just ask everyone to close their eyes might be safer.

    I’m not even *married* and the baby questions have started. The a friend of the boyfriend’s mother brings up babies ever single time she sees me. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Boyfriend’s mom tries to save me, but only by saying that we have to get married first. Then she and her friend start planning my wedding. I tend to join them…if joining them = tossing out wedding dates that get progressively further away until they stop so far we’ve reached the fall of 2017 (boyfriend’s mom isn’t sure if i’m serious or not but she usually shuts her friend up by then just in case I am because she wants me married and popping out kids before my eggs shrivel)

    I recently downloaded words with friends…then I realized I have no friends *sad panda*

    • kindofamess
      February 24, 2011 at 11:51 am #

      Ooo. I could stand up on a chair and go, “Okay, y’all, this mother is not discipling her child, so I’m gonna have to. I only want to hurt his feeling and not his booty, so I won’t spank hard. But it’s completely neccessary. Y’all please close your eyes and don’t report me, because it’s either this or stabbing his mother in the eye.”

      I’m your friend, I’m your friend! Play me, I’m Lyssachelle.

      • KatjaMichelle
        February 24, 2011 at 9:01 pm #

        yay i’m super excited to have a friend to play words with…although i probably should have contained my excitement…and my hunger and looked for a better first word…meh i’ll find a better second one…probably

  4. Ms. Bunny
    February 24, 2011 at 10:56 am #

    Can someone explain to me what this Friends with Words thing is? I keep hearing it mentioned.

    Also, yeah I am not looking forward to the nosy nosies who will start asking about my sex life after I’m married. I’m sure I’ll feel blindsided and creeped out every time it will happen.

    • kindofamess
      February 24, 2011 at 11:54 am #

      It’s Scrabble, but on your iWhatever. You add people or play strangers, but you play at your own pace, so you can go days without having to make a move. And you can have up to 20 games going at once. It’s good for something to occupy you while you’re waiting at the doctor’s office, but not so engaging that you can’t ignore it for a while whilst you have life…. It’s super fun!

  5. Jo
    February 24, 2011 at 12:51 pm #

    Alright, you’re added. But I have a huge fear of making stupid words and you hating me.

    Aaaand I hate poor parenting. Plus I love that he asked you out on MySpace and am sad he said nothing about your boobies in the original message. Although he doesn’t like hot things so it is a wonder that you got together! 😉

  6. Sarah
    February 24, 2011 at 1:38 pm #

    Jo, there’s nothing to worry about. Her first word to me was “afro”. Mine to her was “fake”.

    You’re in good company. =)

    Also … add me! I’m sarahfae.

    • kindofamess
      February 25, 2011 at 2:14 pm #

      I loved our game! We totally had a fight though Words with Friends….

  7. Jenn
    February 25, 2011 at 8:13 am #

    I want to play words with friends!

    And also, just wanted to say, I love Chocolate turtles, the candy. I have one sitting at my desk right now, staring at me…even though I know it is worth a whole 2 weight watchers points. grr.

    • kindofamess
      February 25, 2011 at 2:15 pm #

      You need to play! It’s addicting but not time-consuming. Plus, you can pretend it makes you smarter….

  8. lizzie
    February 25, 2011 at 2:09 pm #

    I have to tell you that I cannot begin to understand the intrusive small talk that goes on here! I have had STRANGERS ask me how things are going in Isaiah’s and my relationship….when’s the wedding…oh, it’s not scheduled? WHY NOT WHEN WILL IT BE GET MARRIED FOR ALL THINGS GOOD AND HOLY!………………………………..you don’t live together, do you?

    Why the f*ck is it any of your business? Maybe that’s the Chicago in me…if so, it’s the part of the Chicago in me that I love most.

    • kindofamess
      February 25, 2011 at 2:17 pm #

      I’m so used to it, I don’t even think about it anymore.

      But I’d pay money to see you get all Chicago on someone’s ass… 🙂

    • irisira
      February 26, 2011 at 4:01 pm #

      “Chicago” sounds an awful lot like “New York.” (I think, therefore, I would adore Chicago.)

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