Dirty Little Secrets

Dirty Little Secrets will be an ongoing series on the blog.  I share my dirty little secrets, which are barely dirty and mostly not secret, and then you share your similar secrets in the comments.  No judging, just lots of love.  The kind of sharing that Grover taught us on Sesame Street.  [Please note: if you did not learn how to share from Grover on Sesame Street, you are probably too young for this blog.  Get your butt over here post-haste.]

– I don’t really have a problem with Justin Bieber.  I know all the cool kids hate him, but I think he’s cute in a obnoxious way. I mean, he’s like 16, people!  Everyone is an idiot at 16. Plus, he’s got the Usher stamp of approval. You don’t argue with that.

– I have a crush on John McCain.  Not old man John McCain, but young POW John McCain.  Cheating, conservative twatish tendencies aside, he was kinda hawt.

-On the topic of crushes, here are some of my other more embarrassing ones: Kevin Smith, Eminem, Ian McKellan, Ben Affleck, Patrick Stewart and 50 Cent. Not kidding.

– There is a distinct possibility that while I will not enter my child into pageants a’la Toddlers and Tiaras, I cannot say the same about me having a wardrobe full of poufy giant dresses for them. Including tiaras.

– I’d sell my husband for a Dyson vacuum.

– I am terrified of scary children in movies. I hate scary movies in general, but creepy children make me climb the walls and cry for my momma.

– I don’t know anything about cars and I think they’re kind of boring, but I adore Top Gear.

– There was a point in time when I could not only name the season of Buffy by Willow’s hairdo, but I could possibly give you a  synopsis based on the episode title.

– I love being a woman, but I really really really want to grow up to be a drag queen. My best friend is a former Miss Gay Texas, and I’m still jealous. I think this has always been a dream of mine, considering that two of my dreams as a child were to be a Solid Gold Dancer and to be on Puttin’ on the Hits.

– I don’t really like chocolate.  Just not my thing.  I know, I know.

– I maybe might have owned all of Celine Dion’s albums up until the late 90’s. Maybe.

Alright, you guys.  Dish.

Images: wnd.com, tv acres

44 comments on “Dirty Little Secrets

  1. irisira
    February 16, 2011 at 6:36 am #

    I’m with you on chocolate, sister. I do love Lindor Balls, and my husband has me hooked on Bissinger (which is crazy expensive but also crazy good), but I can do with, like, one piece of chocolate every six months and not miss it. It’s not that I don’t like it, but I don’t crave it like most women. I do have a weakness for brownies, though. I won’t seek them out, but if there’s a plate of them nearby, watch out. I don’t like chocolate cake, but brownies are a different animal. 🙂

    My celebrity crush? Seth Meyers. I just adore him, especially when his Weekend Update alter-ego is being all sweet to gay, confused, meth-ed up Stefon. AND, even more, when he’s ranting about conservatives.

    • kindofamess
      February 16, 2011 at 3:08 pm #

      Heh. Balls.

      YES to Seth Meyers! I almost put Jon Stewart, but he’s not a secret. (Neither is President Obama. I didn’t add him because I’m scare of Michelle.) Did you see Seth and Stefon last week?? So adorable.

      • irisira
        February 18, 2011 at 6:48 am #

        I know!!! That was my favorite Stefon yet. When he came on, C said, “I just don’t think they can top the Christmas one.” But I’m a sucker for when the cast members start cracking up during their skits.

  2. Kristin
    February 16, 2011 at 7:55 am #

    Loving Patrick Stewart isn’t a dirty little secret. The man is a sex-god. Nothing wrong with being proud of that.

    My secret? I don’t own a TV, but I get really easily sucked into terrible shows when the opportunity arises. As in, four episodes in a row of Teen Mom, followed by four episodes in a row of Bridezillas, followed by nursing my TV hangover for days.

    • kindofamess
      February 16, 2011 at 3:09 pm #

      OH MY GOD, TEEN MOM. I can’t even stand how much I love that show. Love it like a crackhead loves the rocks. Because I don’t want to but I need it in my life. It’s horrible.

      Marathons are the devil. I’ve lost entire days to Law & Order: SVU marathons on USA….

    • irisira
      February 18, 2011 at 6:49 am #

      Oh man those bad bridal porn shows. They’re like crack.

    • Trisha
      February 18, 2011 at 10:16 pm #

      I do the TV thing too. We have a TV, but no cable. I love me some cable when I can get it though. (Like at my mom’s.) The trashier the better.

  3. Brandi {not your average ordinary}
    February 16, 2011 at 9:13 am #

    This list is fantastic, though I’ll admit old John McCain ruins young John McCain for me. And I’m not a huge chocolate lover either, which people always expect since I’m such a foodie.

    • kindofamess
      February 16, 2011 at 3:11 pm #

      I like to pretend Old John McCain doesn’t exist. Also, young John looks like that guy on CSI, who is also kinda hawt.

      I feel like there’s a whole secret section of society of us…the non-chocolate lovers. We should have t-shirts.

  4. d-day
    February 16, 2011 at 9:14 am #

    Ian McKellan! rawr! my crushes also include my high school english teacher and Jack White. so, I’m not judging.

    one of my favorite shows is America’s Funniest Videos.

    I almost always lick spoons while I’m cooking and put that spoon right back into the food. no matter who I’m serving that food to.

    I pick my nose a lot! and I take special pleasure in belching really loudly. only in certain company of course (except for the occasional oops)

    • kindofamess
      February 16, 2011 at 3:14 pm #

      You and my husband should hang out. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard, “Okay. *BURP* Love you, bye,” on the phone. It’s like a sign-off for him….

      • d-day
        February 16, 2011 at 6:58 pm #

        hahah oh I don’t do THAT. I only burp like that in person because it’s fun to see the reaction. no fun over the phone! 😉

    • Trisha
      February 18, 2011 at 10:21 pm #

      High school English teacher isn’t so bad. I kinda had a crush on my 5th grade science teacher. Yeah. I’m kind of surprised I ended up marrying someone 6 & 1/2 years my junior, not my senior.

      The spoon thing? I do that too. Unless I’m both sick AND have company. Either on their own are not enough.

  5. lizzie
    February 16, 2011 at 9:54 am #

    Okay…Patrick Stewart is easy to understand. He’s just…awesome. I have the weirdest crush on Hugh Laurie. I get like…NERVOUS watching House at home…every once in a while I pipe up with, “He’s so talented, isn’t he?!” to Isaiah and he immediately commences the mocking that will go on for the rest of the night. “He’s SOOOOO talented, isn’t heee? *Swooooon*”

    Dyson’s are the WORST! It’s all FANTASTIC marketing. My mom got one and almost immediately traded it back for a Miele – try those out!

    I’m not huge on chocolate, either. I mean, I’ll eat it, don’t get me wrong! Jeez…But I never crave it even a little.

    Ooh, Ooh! Another embarrassing celebrity crush? Alec Baldwin…Not even sexy young Alec from like the Beetlejuice days…I like him now and I don’t feel great about that, haha…It’s the voice, I think.

    • kindofamess
      February 16, 2011 at 3:19 pm #

      GAH, I’m like that about David Tennant. He’s just SO good and then I get caught up in the performance and suddenly I need a lie-down to recover from the awesome.
      Those Brits, man….

      And you’re breaking my heart on the Dyson!! I’ll definitely check out the Miele, though.
      I don’t even LIKE vaccuuming, but I think I would if I had something amazing. With a canister so I can look at all it picks up and go, “EWWW!”

      • irisira
        February 18, 2011 at 6:52 am #

        My mom – who has a shepherd/some kind of large terrier or poodle (God only knows) mix, who molts undercoat and whose hair has broken every other vacuum she’s ever owned – SWEARS by her Oreck. It’s the only vacuum that can withstand Max-hair, according to her.

        I can’t speak for the Miele vacuum cleaners, but my MIL has a Miele dishwasher, and that thing is the devil.

  6. Jenny
    February 16, 2011 at 11:11 am #

    Embarrassing celebrity crush – David Bowie. Why a man with skinny thighs then I have ever had is hot, but there is something about him. The embarrassing part is it all began when I was 7 and saw Labryinth. Blue eyeshadow, spandexed, creepy baby snatcher David Bowie.

    • kindofamess
      February 16, 2011 at 3:20 pm #

      No shame here.

      Also, my uncle has a thing for David Bowie and he’s straight with kids. He’s just a super-fan, he even has a record in the shape of Bowie’s head…..

    • Trisha
      February 18, 2011 at 10:25 pm #

      Oh David Bowie. Even David Bowie now is totally hot. Labyrinth David Bowie is my favorite though.

  7. Caitlin
    February 16, 2011 at 11:38 am #

    I love watching the Bachelor. (Not so secret now, thanks to Meghan’s post last week!)

    I only wash the sheets once a month. (What? You don’t have to sleep in them. We’re not that dirty. Husband doesn’t care, and it uses up a lot of damn quarters!)

    My secret celeb crush? Michael Landon. From Little House… yeah. I think it’s the boots and the suspenders. And the curly hair…. I’ll stop now.

    Uff dah. That’s enough secrets for today.

    • kindofamess
      February 16, 2011 at 4:36 pm #

      Lack of washing is completely forgivable if you have to use a laundromat.

      Hell, lack of washing is forgivable if you have a maid. Your and your sheets are nobody’s business! Although clean sheets ARE delicious. Just not if you spend $6.75 on them…

    • kahlia
      February 28, 2011 at 9:33 am #

      I admit that the only reason we change our sheets every 2 weeks (and not 3-4) is because I’m worried the cleaning woman will judge us. Although, really, the frequency of our sheet-washing is probably the thing that’s least worthy of being judged that she’s seen in our house!

  8. Heather G
    February 16, 2011 at 11:59 am #

    I’m with you on the Willow and love for Buffy. I love, love that show and still watch reruns of it. Also, I think the cool kids liked Spike, but I was an Angel gal myself. When he showed up at Prom? Tears.

    I love the smell of scotch tape. Maybe it reminds me of presents. I have been known to tear off a piece of tape just to get a whiff (!)

    I also love the smell of my dog after she’s been sleeping. I say, “She’s cooking up a good smell!”

    Celebrity Crush: No question, Steve Nash. Love that guy!

    Maybe mine should just be called, “Weird little secrets.”

    • kindofamess
      February 16, 2011 at 4:37 pm #

      I actually watched Surprise (where Buffy and Angel totally do it) and I teared up. I am 31 damn years old, AND a Spike fan, and I’m tearing up at Buffy still. And I love it.

      Your secrets are awesome and make me love you a little more. I’m totally going home and sniffing scotch tape.

      • Heather G
        February 16, 2011 at 5:28 pm #

        What about The Body? Love, love, love that episode. I cried and laughed and cried. It killed me!

        • kindofamess
          February 16, 2011 at 8:45 pm #

          I am still emotionally unprepared to deal with even thinking about that episode.

          I think the only time I cried harder at a television show was when Denny died on Grey’s Anatomy.

          • Heather G
            February 16, 2011 at 9:56 pm #

            Oh, I know! It’s got to be one of the most moving episodes. Well, that and when Oz left to find himself. I cried like a baby. It was like Oz left me! I tried to hide it from Mike, but there was no hiding it. Willow said, “Don’t you love me?”

            Boooo hoooo hooo hooooo.

  9. Ms. Bunny
    February 16, 2011 at 2:10 pm #

    My secret: I thought I was going to be “discovered” by giving a tape of a song I wrote and sang to O-town. I had a missed call from a blocked number the day after I met them, and I was convinced it was them calling to tell me how they were going to hook me up with their agent or something. Also, I was pretty positive that once I became a famous pop singer, Ashley Parker Angel and I were going to fall in love and get married.

    • kindofamess
      February 16, 2011 at 4:38 pm #

      YOU are amazing. I have no idea who O-Town is, but I will be googling them and then I will think you are even more amazing. I mean, who gives out demo tapes like that?!? Only people in movies and people who are amazing, THAT’S who.

      • Ms. Bunny
        February 17, 2011 at 12:36 pm #

        I don’t know who does that. Apparently I did. I had some deluded sense of how to get a big break.

        You should hear the song. It’s actually pretty catchy but the lyrics are horribly simplistic and cheesy.

        • kindofamess
          February 17, 2011 at 4:05 pm #

          I find your chutzpah admirable and wonderful. Plus, I find making music to be magic. I have no idea how its done and anyone who does it I think has mystical powers or something.
          Jethro plays like 4 instruments and has perfect pitch. I’m hoping our kids get that from him and not his love of cheese and car shows.

    • Sarah
      February 16, 2011 at 5:01 pm #

      Gah, O-Town! ::laughs::

      I grew up with Trevor. Total good guy. His little sister though … wow. Bitch.

      A big part of me loves you for loving them. You know, that part that is still 16. ::laughs:: ❤

  10. Meg Mooney
    February 16, 2011 at 4:10 pm #

    Ok lady, here’s a few of mine.
    1. I will eat other people’s leftovers. I will eat it all. I will lick the plate. I am gross.
    2. I have a weird James Spader thing.
    3. I will NEVER touch the fish in the children’s touch tank at the aquarium.
    4. When I was home from college one year, I ate an ENTIRE cherry pie in a sitting and lied my ass off about it. Sorry Mom.

    • kindofamess
      February 16, 2011 at 4:40 pm #

      1. That’s probably why Jethro doesn’t eat leftovers. You took all the leftover eatin’ genes.
      2. Me too. More so now that he’s kinda puffy. Makes him look vulnerable. I also will not be convinced that he isn’t exactly like his character on Boston Legal.
      3. Doesn’t Jenn have a weird fish thing too? What’s up with you lot and fish?
      4. I’m tellin’.

  11. Christy
    February 16, 2011 at 8:36 pm #

    I too have recently developed a crush on Eminem… what gives?! I saw the interview Anderson Cooper did of him and I kind of fell, hard.
    Also – this isn’t a dirty little secret – just a comment on one of yours – Justin Bieber says LIKE, LIKE, LIKE… ALL THE TIME. It LIKE drives me, LIKE insane! 😉

    I have way more dirty little secrets I can’t think of at the moment… so I’ll share on the next post (if I remember them then…) 😉

    • kindofamess
      February 16, 2011 at 8:51 pm #

      Eminem is hot in a strange way…ever since 8 Mile, HAWT.

      I would hate on Justin for that, but I say like a lot too. I’m secretly a 12 year old girl…which also makes him one, I guess. 🙂

  12. Lauren
    February 17, 2011 at 9:17 am #

    Not to be the TOTAL downer here – but I have a new found HATE for Justin Bieber since his rolling stone interview where he said that he didn’t believe in abortion and then when asked about in cases of rape his quote is “That’s really sad, but I believe everything happens for a reason.” Granted he’s 16, but no. I can’t get on board the Bieber Fever train. no.

    • Meg Mooney
      February 17, 2011 at 10:56 am #

      Bieber Feber. Ha!

    • kindofamess
      February 17, 2011 at 4:08 pm #

      And suddenly the party comes to a GRINDING HALT. Way to go, LAUREN.


      Okay, fine, stupid rape comments aside, I have no problem with him. I live in Texas, if I hated on everyone who made stupid statement regarding hypothetical moral dilemmas, I wouldn’t have anyone to talk to….

    • Christina
      February 18, 2011 at 1:14 am #

      GOD! I read that and I wanted to punch him! Like, not your place to say, dude. Especially because a bunch of girls adore you and listen to everything you say!!!!! GAH. I had a cougar crush on him until then, dammmit.

  13. Christina
    February 18, 2011 at 1:15 am #

    Ok, secret: Alyssa, you maybe might have listened to my dad’s musical talents on those celine CDs in the late 90’s, maybe 🙂

  14. Trisha
    February 18, 2011 at 10:03 pm #

    My dirty little secret? I’m kind of a hipster. The only thing saving me is a belief that life is to short to like things ironically. The hipster things I like (sparrows, the Decemberists) I really do like.

  15. jenn44
    February 25, 2011 at 10:49 am #

    I’m a little late to the party here, but I feel compelled to say that I have had a crush on Patrick Stewart since I was a dorky tween spending my Saturday nights watching Star Trek:TNG. That man only gets better. Incidentally, I also have a major crush on older, chubby Alec Baldwin and Labyrinth David Bowie. I’m also with you on the chocolate, Top Gear, and the young John McCain photo.

    Since we’re sharing – I always say excuse me when I burp in front of my dogs, I’m absolutely terrified of statues, and every time I try to do an impression of Natalie Merchant it comes out as Neil Diamond.

  16. suite7beautytalk
    February 9, 2012 at 10:56 am #

    All of your crushes (how sad I had to google the plural form of crush..lawd), are perfectly normal except John McCain. Despite the pic which I’ve never seen before (not bad tho), I just see his bland personality along with it and no.Just no. But more importantly, I was in love with Solid Gold as a kid. I wanted to be Darcel, the pretty black dancer with legs longer than me & my sister laid end to end. She was all glittery golden goddessy and I named my fave barbie after her as a show of my devotion. And don’t even get me started on Puttin’ on the Hits…that and Dance Fever were major obsessions. major.

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