1. Falling
So I did something awesome a little while back. While walking to lunch on campus, I somehow missed bringing my foot all the way up on the a curb and tripped. Now, this would have just been embarrassing if I hadn’t:
A) Been in the middle of the quad at lunch
B) Been unable to catch myself with my hands and landed on my face
C) Had my mouth open as I fell.
I got the unique opportunity to watch the ground rise up and punch me in the DAMNED FACE. I was about a foot to the right of the sidewalk so I landed on the grass, and we’d gotten some rain so that when I went teeth-first into the ground, my incisors chomped up wet grass and not concrete or bone dry dirt.
So, I walked back into my building and picked dirt out of my teeth. (Not kidding. Thank God I carry a toothbrush.) Luckily I’m not an insecure teen anymore, so I walked right back out there, past the same people who saw me fall and got my lunch. Because it was an accident, it’s not a big deal and I probably won’t even see half those people ever again. Also, nothing comes between a thick girl and her Cold Cut Combo.
2. Giant Eyes
Okay, this started early for me, before it got super popular. You remember that Soundgarden video from the 90’s “Black Hole Sun”? It was the sh*t when it came out, but it scared the BEJEEZUS out of me. All those elongated body parts and crazy eyes and AHHH!! I hate it. But before, all I had to do was ignore the video and my life would be fine. Soundgarden is fairly creepy anyway, even if Chris Cornell is hot in a way your momma warned you about.
However, now there is a proliferation of “Twisted Whiskers” cards and books and posters that feature animals photoshopped to hell and back so that they look like their eyes are the size of dinner plates and OH MY LORD IT IS SO EFFED UP! Why are their eyes so big? WHO thinks that is cute? And they have a TV SHOW or something?? Why is that funny? That’s not funny, that’s HORRIFYING!!!!
I give you this as an example, but it PAINS me to do so.
WHY, Y’ALL?? WHYYYY?!?
Also? Jethro finds this hilarious, so he’s bought me two of their greeting cards AND a plush doll we call Mr. Peepers.
He’s a terrible person.
I use Mr. Peepers as my defense system, if I have one of their own near me as I sleep, they can’t haunt my dreams.
3. Prius commercial
Going with my “WTF, world?!?” theme, there’s this Prius commercial. I present it with little commentary, other than the promise that I will never ever own a Prius just because of this commercial. The only thing that makes me turn the TV faster is that ASPCA commercial with Sarah McLachlan.
4. My inability to break up with Grey’s Anatomy
Okay. This is hard to admit, but I have watched Grey’s Anatomy since it started. I fell in love with George and Cristina and Mere and the whole gang, especially Izzie. (Katherine Heigl before she got annoying.)
I watched through it all, even though they KILLED my favorite character, Denny. (Seriously, when he died, I thought I would have to take a personal day. I was bereft.) Somewhere along the line I stopped, mostly around season 5 or something. I was fine, good even. Life went on.
The problem is, this little show called Private Practice started up. Now, I don’t know if you know this, but Taye Diggs is my second husband, as soon as those pesky polygamy laws go away. I love him. LOVE. So when I found out he had a new show, I was intrigued. Then I found out that Audra McDonald would be on there and since she is on my list of people I wish I could be, I was even more interested. THEN I found out that Tim Daly was going to be in the cast and that sealed it for me. Because Tim Daly has been my secret boyfriend since he was a stuffy pilot on Wings. (Taye knows. It’s okay. So does Jethro. He’s not psyched.)
Thing is, Private Practice is a spin-off of Grey’s Anatomy and it airs directly after. I was still able to resist Grey’s siren song, despite always catching the last two minutes on my DVR, but I was strong. I did not need Grey’s to be happy.
THEN, the crossover episode came. And in order to find out what was going on, I had to watch Grey’s. And suddenly, like an alcoholic who sips some champagne at a wedding and then goes on a bender two days later, I was hooked again. Hooked, but good. *sigh*
And it’s not a big deal. It’s just a TV show. But the problem is that after it’s over, I am always a giant snotty mess. Seriously, there are car crashes and brain tumors and mommies giving up their lives for their children and screws tearing open hearts babies dying and cancer and Jesus H. tap-dancing Christ, it’s ROUGH, Y’ALL.
Almost weekly, Jethro walks into the living room and finds me heaving and sobbing on the couch and always asks, “Why do you STILL watch this show?!?” and I invariably respond with a “Be*SOB*cause, *SNIFF* it’s *SOB* so *HEAVE* gooooood!!! WAHHH!!!”
It’s a problem.
My name is Alyssa and I’m a Grey’s Anatomy addict.
Lord help me.
5. My hair right now
My hair is STUPID right now and I hate it. I need a haircut but I dread them like I dread going to the dentist; I know it needs to be done and I’ll be happy I did but it is SUCH A DRAG. My favorite stylist is my best friend’s cousin in Fort Worth and as much as I love him, it’s a beating to drive there for a cut. Plus, he’s crazy popular, I probably wouldn’t get an appointment.
I’m really just whining now. And I know none of y’all care. Well, four of you care, but that’s because you’re sweet. The rest of you is wondering when I’m going to start talking about Jethro farting and or post a picture of Maggie. But it’s my blog and I get to whine if I want to. They can’t all be funny, people!!
But seriously, I need a haircut.
Image Sources: Angry cat, soul-stealing cat.
Kind of a Mess 
I have an inability to break up with One Tree Hill. This show was NEVER good. It’s embarrassing. I blame Soapnet for airing it constantly.*
So this one time at faire I was walking along, minding my own business and the next thing I know I am flying face first at the ground. Either my feet decided to rebel or gravity was taking out its wrath on me, I am not sure really, all I know is that I was falling down pretty fast.
My attempts to stop myself with my hands before I face planted into the rather hard packed dirt road were thwarted by the abundance of gravel on said road. My hands shot out to either side scraping the hell out of my palms (and my knees which bled like crazy and had to be bandaged later). It was inevitable, I was going to crash face first into the ground. I could see it happening. I knew I was going to break my nose, black my eyes, and bust out my front teeth.
Then I realized I had stopped. I was laying on the ground face down, but my face never hit. I cracked open my eyes and realized the ground itself was still a couple of inches from my face.
Turns out, when I am in a bodice, my ample cleavage doubles as a personal airbag.
Oh, I wish this had happened to me! I love my corset and now I love your bodice, too!
Okay, so I originally read “falling” as “failing.” And I got kind of annoyed at you, thinking “well, no shit, Alyssa. NO ONE likes failing. What a cop-out! She’s usually way more astute and funny than this. Wait, why is she telling this story about falling down? Is she talking about failing at walking? Is there more failing coming up in this vignette?” And then I read the line about the cold cut combo and I laughed, and then I re-read the actual title, and felt like a huge dumbass.
Carry on!
I did the same falling/failing confusion thing too!
Also, the Giant Eyes section had me laughing so damn hard.
And the Prius commercial? What the eff is *wrong* with whoever came up with that concept? Seriously.
Woo, that cat is CREEPY. Could’ve lived without that image a while longer, thanks. But, you did talk about Jethro’s farts on the internet today, so I s’pose that’ll tide us over until the next appearance here…
Ah, yes, Grey’s Anatomy. Isn’t it terrible to like it so much and NOT BE ABLE TO STOP WATCHING IT??
Also, YES, those animals are effing creepy. How can anyone think they’re cute?!
Also, once when I was in undergrad, I was (stupidly) attempting to text and walk quickly, toward the sun (which was conveniently right at eye-blinding level) and I walked into a stair railing that stuck out a little way into the sidewalk. I walked into it, and I FELL OVER IT. I’m pretty freaking tall, so the railing hit me mid-thigh, and I tumbled over it, backpack and cellphone and all. The guy walking by just stopped and stared at me. He didn’t even ask if I was okay or anything. THAT was embarrassing. So, I feel your pain. ❤
I’ve been disappointed with Grey’s for the past, oh, two? three? years now. CanNOT stop watching. But I just watched last week’s and…oh, lawd. Shonda brought it. Like season 3 brought it. So much with the sobbing.
Me too. I miss Izzie, but her character went all crazy pants AFTER they cured her brain tumor! Did she and Alex ever actually get divorced, or is he just a slutty man?
Yes, those big eyes are far more creepy than I needed today.
I’m glad you had your big girl panties on and got the Cold Cut Combo. Good woman!
(What do you mean, people might not think this post was funny? Are they stupid or just not right? Bless their hearts, either way.)
Grey’s Anatomy….it’s a gift from God.
Oh my Lord, but it’s true. However, I tend to have the exact same reaction as described above. And so does my husband. Heh.
THAT PRIUS COMMERCIAL. It skeeves me out SO BAD.
And I love Grey’s because it’s a weird emotional cleanser for me. And I love Private Practice!
A couple of weeks ago I managed to fall up the stairs. Yeah up, not down. It was the day after I tried to sit at my desk at work and fell on the floor instead. Yeah, I’m graceful.
I have to confess, I really like some of the older big eyed children stuff. Specifically the early works of Margaret Keane. Delightfully haunting and melancholy
Black Hole Sun scared the crap out of me too. Still haven’t gotten over it. Ugh.
I successfully broke up with Grey’s a few years ago, but the only reason I don’t watch Private Practice every single week is because I keep forgetting when it’s on. Can you imagine if Taye Diggs just started making out with Tim Daly? I might just die. Also it used to have Piz from Veronica Mars! VM love.
I actually have stopped watching Greys… Except now that you’ve mentioned it I’m laying here twitching and wanting to watching an episode or two…or maybe three. You’re like a pusher thanks a lot
I am a Grey’s Anatomy addict too. And I totally cried at the last episode 😦
Re: Falling. So, I am a complete and total klutz. I have fallen going up the stairs. And I run into door jambs and such on a daily basis. One day I was walking through the parking lot to go to my WW meeting and I completely face planted (on the asphalt) because I stepped on my shoe wrong. I totally had a bloody knee and owies all over! Ha ha I can laugh about it now but I was completely MORTIFIED at the time.