Open Letters, Part 2

Dear Google user who came to my site through searching for “bedazzled tampon” (TWICE),
PLEASE come back.  I think you’re my kind of people.

Dear Google user who came to my site through searching for “thats too much ass”,
You can f*ck right off, sir.


Dear Gmail,
I love that you’re looking after me, but not every single freakin’ incoming message needs to be flagged as “important.”  STOP IT.  Giving these emails that kind of validation only sets them up for heartache later.


Dear Lady Gaga,

While I find you derivative and only mostly interesting (you came to the Grammys in an egg, Cee-Lo was an effing MUPPET; I think we know who wins here….), your latest song fills my heart with happy.  It’s so epically 80’s, I think it would fit right in during a movie montage in which teenagers fly fighter planes or girls battle rapists and then society itself…  (WHAT?  You’ve never seen those two?  Rectify that tragic situation.  FAIR IS FAIR!)  I mean, it has a SAX SOLO.

I may not be a little monster that wants to put its paws up, but good job, Lady.  Good job.


Dear Netflix Streaming,
My love for you knows no bounds.  Please don’t tell Jethro, but if you could cuddle and kill bugs, I’d leave him for you.


Dear Lady Bits,
STOP HURTING. I’m sorry we’re switching pills so that you’re having to endure a normal month without the benefit of fake hormones. That is no reason to make me feel like Cthulhu is clawing through my uterus. Dear LORD, I cannot wait to be pregnant and shut you up for nine months….**

**This is one of those phrases that’s going bite me in the ass, isn’t it?


Your turn, moppets.

20 comments on “Open Letters, Part 2

  1. Virginia
    July 18, 2011 at 7:49 am #

    You’re right — Gaga’s video is SO 80’s it hurts. Right down to the two-toned hair, it’s like watching the Berlin video for ‘Take My Breath Away’…..amazing!

    • kindofamess
      July 18, 2011 at 4:03 pm #

      It’s got the dude from the E Street Band! And New York streetscapes!! You just can’t go wrong with this video….even though I have no idea what’s going on.

  2. Erin
    July 18, 2011 at 8:10 am #

    Dear Internet, Stop being so full of awesome on a Monday. I just can’t catch up. And I have to do the work that pays my bills instead. Can we make a date for… sometime soon?

    • kindofamess
      July 18, 2011 at 4:04 pm #

      Ah, the internet. She’s the needy, bossy little heifer, isn’t she?

  3. Nicole
    July 18, 2011 at 9:41 am #

    The 80’s in HD. Fantastic! Also, do you think she dresses like that when she’s just hanging out at a family dinner? Or when she meets the boyfriend’s parents?

    Dear Summer: I liked you better when I could just lay by my parent’s pool and get a tan. Now I have to worry about my electricity bill.

    • kindofamess
      July 18, 2011 at 4:08 pm #

      I like to imagine that she sits around with her friends, drinks and thinks up new outfits.

      Friend: Duuuude! You should TOTALLY wear a meat dress…
      Gaga: What? No….
      Friend: No, no, I’m telling you, it will be epic! Wear a meat dress to the VMA’s!
      Gaga: That’s disgusting! ….and yet, brilliant!!
      Friend: AND A MEAT PURSE! Then, when you give it to someone to hold onto, you can tell everyone that they’re “holding your meat.”
      Gaga: SOLD!!!

  4. pinchofthis
    July 18, 2011 at 10:22 am #

    Dear Summer,
    Chill the fuck out.

  5. Ms. Bunny
    July 18, 2011 at 11:03 am #

    Dear self,
    Why did you bring the wrong Harry Potter book to work today. You were supposed to bring book 5, not book 6. Now how am I going to procrastinate?

    • kindofamess
      July 18, 2011 at 4:11 pm #

      Oh, Harry in Book Five….so cranky, so brash, so very 15 years old….

  6. Sicky McSickerson
    July 18, 2011 at 11:17 am #

    Dear first trimester morning sickness, could you chill out, just a little bit, please? Not being able to keep down saltines and ginger ale is taking this whole thing too far.

    • kindofamess
      July 18, 2011 at 4:11 pm #

      Awww, hugs!!

      But not tight hugs. Don’t want you to upchuck again….

  7. Sharon
    July 18, 2011 at 12:54 pm #

    Dear Alyssa, I love you because you just mentioned Cthulhu and ladybits in one sentence. Jethro had better watch out because I am TOTALLY going to steal you from him! 😀

    • kindofamess
      July 18, 2011 at 4:13 pm #

      Aww, yay!! But if you gave him a block of cheese and some chicken fingers, he’d probably give me away.

      Especially since he HATES it when I talk about my ladybits. Me even using the word “tampon” in the first sentence freaks him out. (He’s a sissy.)

  8. Jenny
    July 18, 2011 at 3:17 pm #

    Dear Allergies,
    You can go away now. The sinus pressure, headache, and especially the lovely itchy rash on my neck are all too awesome to keep.


    Dear Ants,
    Just because it storms does NOT mean you can come in my house. I do not like you as house guests. Plus, what are you going after anyway? My clean dishes?

    Please do not show up again. I did not want to spend my Monday morning getting up 45 minutes early to combat you and take my kitchen back. Thank you very much.

    No love,

    • kindofamess
      July 18, 2011 at 4:14 pm #

      Ant and allergies…at least your annoyances have alliteration…

  9. Moz
    July 18, 2011 at 5:25 pm #

    I knew I loved you. Gaga is so insincere, music wise. One of my favourite public spats last year was M.I,A taking her on. That song is very cheesetastic though – in a good way.

  10. Madge
    July 19, 2011 at 6:47 am #

    Dear Window in my office,

    thanks for nothing. i sit beside you day in and day out and you let my colleague open you in the morning when you know i don’t want her to. you let dust settle on my desk and make me sneeze. then, later in the day, you let in bugs that fly around MY face, not hers (which would be preferable because it may distract her from her melodramatic hayfever and maybe get her to honk her nose outside for once). you bring me so much rage.

    kind regards.


    Dear Double-Chamber Lunchbox,

    let’s be honest here, you aren’t Tupperware. you are a sad attempt with added clippy.-locky things to lull me into a false sense of air-tight security. you’Re a bit rubbish. you leak on the way to work and stain my canvas tote thwhose handles are too long.

    also, you are not ideal for liquid based lunches whch the boyf makes because you are not goot for pouring. no sir. those double chambers mean you spill over the worktop and/or my clothes, and quite frankly my image can do with out that.

    i think you may be in cahoots with Meat Skin and Bones, who also try to make lunch as awkward and gross as possible.

    to recap: shape up or at least don’t look so appealing to boyf in the morning, so that he will ignore you and i can put a kiwi and an apple in you rather than a “meal”.

    Best wishes,


    Dear Scalp,

    i don’t know where we went wrong. we were getting on so well. i would complain about face skin and back skin being unfriendly with their blotches and spots, but i thought we were tight! i even used good shampoo on you.

    and how do you repay me? with scary massive spots that my good friend internet suggests may be an infection of some kind. uncool.

    stop it. i can’t fight this many fronts. enough now.

  11. sera
    July 19, 2011 at 9:53 am #

    Dear Alyssa,
    Netflix is amazing but still missing pieces like newer episodes of Archer and Glee and nothing but Le Tour de France will replace the IT Crowd.

    Dear Chris O’Dowd,
    Mmm, you’re on my list.

    Dear Summer,
    Just smooth the temperatures out a bit, I need some Vitamin D and I hate that it’s still too cold to wear my 3/4 jackets.

    Dear Allergies,
    You can f*** right off, you bastards.

    Dear Alyssa again,
    Does morning sickness really replace cramps? I’m terrified of that part.

  12. Sicky McSickerson
    July 19, 2011 at 10:42 am #

    Sera – apparently morning sickness is one of those things you can’t predict until you’re pregnant. Not everyone gets it, but oh dear lord does it suck. I’m just praying mine goes away by 13 weeks.

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