Open Letters

Dear Guy who let his dog drop a deuce on the sidewalk and left it there,

I hope you get herpes.

-A good dog mommy

**************

Dear Lady on the phone on a park bench,

If you’d been paying attention, a sweaty stranger jogging by wouldn’t have had to pull a cigarette butt out of your toddler’s hand.

It’s called parenting.   Try it.

You’re welcome,

-Sweaty Stranger

**************

Dear Lady talking in the hallway,

YES, it’s AMAZING how learned your law school husband is.  Yes, I know you’re very proud.  And you should be.

But you know what?  I’m pretty damn proud of my husband too.  He’s an Aggie.  AND he went to Space Camp.  (Personally, I think I win.)

But you don’t hear me obnoxiously talking about it in the hallway while people are working.  Use you inside voice or next time I’m pushing the panic button.

-Aggie Wife

**************

Dear Beauty Websites,

STOP having sales after I swore up and down to Jethro that I didn’t spend that much money on makeup.

Your 50% is making me about to eat my words.  I am too weak to say no to high-end mascara.

-Poor Pretty-Pretty Princess

**************

Dear Loud Neighbors,

You might have a house and a hot tub and a bitchin’ sound system on your porch, but you will not be able to reclaim your youth.

Know how I know that?  Your obnoxious need to blare music for the three of you sitting out there and the fact that’s tuned to the crappiest cock-rock Sirius station ever.  And the fact I can tell you’re drinking Bud with Lime from here.

You’re not cool or hip.  You are trying too hard.

NOW TURN IT THE EFF DOWN, IT’S a G-D WEEKNIGHT NIGHT.

-Cranky, yet still Younger Than You.

**************

Dear Work,

Thank you for letting us have Good Friday off.  Apparently, I’m cranky and need the time off.  And I’m not going to get any sleep if the FREAKIN’ NEIGHBORS DO NOT TURN IT DOWN.

Hugs and Kisses,

Alyssa

*Image from here.

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13 comments on “Open Letters

  1. Jo
    April 22, 2011 at 7:53 am #

    Dear Cat,

    if you yark one more time, I swear I am taking you to the vet. I *know* you’re doing it just to f*ck with us, because you want the old food, but you ate that in one gulp and were getting unhealthy.

    –One Who Doesn’t Like To Use The Vet As A Punishment But Hates Cleaning Up Your Vomit More

  2. goodtastehealthyme
    April 22, 2011 at 8:16 am #

    LOL love this. Cracked me up!

    I really wanted to think up something funny to respond to but after sitting for a good ten minutes I got nothing. I’m in a cheery mood today and have no punch in the face desires (shocker!).

  3. Katie Jane
    April 22, 2011 at 8:49 am #

    Oh man, Space Camp FTW. Way better than law school, although I may be biased since I went too.

    • ElfPuddle
      April 22, 2011 at 10:10 am #

      Space Camp is WAY cooler than law school.

  4. ElfPuddle
    April 22, 2011 at 10:09 am #

    Dear fifteen blogs and two link-love lists that I have bookmarked (FBaTLLLTIHB),

    Thank you for giving me an excuse to stay in my jammies as long as possible. You give me reasons to appreciate the good things in my life, to share the really crappy things, and to learn things that I never would otherwise have learned.

    You are also really good at making me wish I had a blog of my own. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I’ll let you know.

    With love and glomps,
    Elfie

  5. Ms. Bunny
    April 22, 2011 at 11:29 am #

    Oh man, I have to deal with loud college kids where I live. At least with them I can act like a cranky old woman. I can’t imagine dealing with old, loud neighbors who are older than you!

  6. Caitlin
    April 22, 2011 at 11:48 am #

    I’ve sent a few letters to “Guy who let his dog drop a deuce on the sidewalk and left it there”, as well. I hope he gets the message soon.

    And my husband also went to Space Camp, in second grade, I believe. Since he’s still pumped about it, I’m assuming our future children will also have this life-changing experience.

    Dear Lady at the Grocery Store Taking Up the Whole Aisle While Deciding Which Type of Cookie to Buy,

    This isn’t a life-changing decision. Pick one and move on. Or, at the very least, move your cart and your butt to the side of the aisle so that the rest of us can pass on by. Do they need to start marking driving lanes in here or what?

    Sincerely,
    Grocery Shopper Who Has Other Things To Do Today

  7. Lauren
    April 22, 2011 at 12:14 pm #

    Dear guy sitting behind me on the bus couhing big wet ones at the back of my head. Cover your motherfucking mouth you rude rude man.

    Sincerely,
    I don’t want to get your TB

  8. Jenni
    April 22, 2011 at 12:53 pm #

    Oooo, I wanna play.

    Dear Upstairs Ogre Neighbors,

    Really? 7am on a Saturday morning is the best time to vacuum? Oh and 1am on weeknights is the best time to watch movies. Good to know. I hope when you move you live on the ground floor. Karma, b*tches.

    ~Trying to Sleep

    Dear Allergy-prone Colleague who sits behind me,

    Please learn to blow your nose instead of sniffling and snorting every ten seconds. Literally. Every ten seconds.

    ~Too Grossed Out to Work

  9. KatjaMichelle
    April 22, 2011 at 7:48 pm #

    Dear whomever decided it would be a good idea to have carpet cleaners come in today during work hours

    Ever think that warning the rest of us who are trying to do our jobs that we would be getting
    get evicted temporarily from our offices in the middle of the day and that we might want to schedule client meetings accordingly? Oh and that the entire building would reek of cleaning fumes and there is not a single window that opens in that entire building so those of us who are sensitive to chemical odors, pregnant, or get migraines should probably arrange to use some vacation hours this afternoon.

    -Trying to do my job without vomiting

  10. Moz
    April 24, 2011 at 1:56 pm #

    Dear Alyssa,

    I like your blog.

    Love Moz xx

  11. kahlia
    April 27, 2011 at 1:17 pm #

    I write letters to all kinds of fun (and not so fun) things. Some of my most common ones are:
    “Dear body: Fuck you, it’s time to sleep now.”
    “Dear dudes who built scaffolding which covers the pretty building right in front of my window: Fuck you, couldn’t you wait until I move in July?”
    “Dear guy who showed us this apartment: Fuck you for not mentioning that it’s on the ambulance route and it’s above a popular night club.”
    (I swear a lot when talking to myself, apparently).

    I found a collection of these letters once ( http://www.blissfullyaware.com/category/dear/ ). I love them, especially the “It’s Grammar Time” lead-in!

    • kahlia
      April 27, 2011 at 1:21 pm #

      Also, “Dear WordPress: FUCK YOU for making me click a link in an email to subscribe to every single blog post comments section ever. Seriously, I mean it: F you.”
      *ahem*
      Sorry, Alyssa. I’ll play nice now. 🙂

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