I try to be non-judgemental. No, really, I do. I want to support everyone in everything that they do, as long as it doesn’t injure or inhibit anyone else.
Even if what they are doing is stupid and wrong.
But there are just a few things that chap my hide. And if you do it, know that I am quietly judging you.
Really, ladies? REALLY? I know this is a typical thing to hate, but a young woman sporting a pair of pink Uggs and a pair of shorts almost move me to violence. And if they are over the age of 19, I feel I should have the right to pull those stank-ass pieces of sweaty, fungus-y fur off their feet and beat them to death with them.
2.) Strangers under the age of 60 who tell me to smile.
Dude. I’m having a day. My kitten could have just been run over by my terminally-ill cheating husband’s gay lover. You don’t know what’s going on in my life. Maybe I don’t WANT to smile. If you’re old enough to be my grandfather, you get a pass. But unless you’re pulling Social Security, you leave me and my moods alone.It’s creepy.
3.) Folks who talk about their journal.
I journal. I did it for class and I do it for myself. But it’s like changing your tampon, unless we’re in a situation where it comes up in discussion, no one wants to hear about it.
This one is dicey. I’m pretty lenient when it comes to kids; when I hear one screaming in a store I usually think they probably just need a nap. And if I hear your child talking back to you, demanding something or screaming because they don’t get their way, I’ll probably look at you with sympathy. Because kids are kinda little shits, you know?
But if you don’t automatically take charge of the situation, I will be aiming my stink-eye your way. You know why you have a bad-ass little kid? Because of your parenting. Demon seeds aside, you can’t not establish boundaries and then wonder why you have a mouthy little child. Nothing warms my heart more than seeing a mom who pulls their screaming child out of the cart and then walks out of the store, leaving all of their groceries behind and talking through clenched teeth the whole time. You go, mad mom. Not letting your child grow up to be a jerk, that’s love right there.
5.) People who describe something as life-changing.
Honestly, you just read The Secret last week. 7 days of better behavior is not a life change, it’s a change in mood. Give it some time before you describe it as life-changing.
Also, don’t call something a game-changer unless you can adequately describe the game. That’s annoying, too.
Everyone has their bodily function they can’t handle. Mine is spit. Hate it. HATE IT. Listening to someone spit in public is revolting. I’d rather have a cheese grater taken to the inside of my nostrils. GO TO THE BATHROOM OR KEEP IT IN YOUR MOUTH!
THEY ARE NOT. You’re just numb to the pain at this point. I know it, you know it, everyone knows it. It’s cool, they’re adorable and look great on you. Girl, you are suffering for that cute pair of pumps. Own it.
8.) Guys who want me to listen to this song. No, REALLY listen.
I’m sure the new Kings of Leon cut is amazing and the lyrics insightful. Making me sit there quietly listening to the whole song, to “really get a feel for the lyrics” is stupid. The only one who will willingly do that is the drunk girl who you brought back from the party at Steve’s last week, and that’s because she didn’t want to jump on you just yet lest you think her a slut. Everyone else thinks you’re a toolbag. Quit it.
9.) Men who swear they don’t like porn.
The exception is when their significant other is around. But if a man’s partner is nowhere in earshot and they say, “You know, I just don’t like porn,” you’re either a liar liar pants on fire who is not fooling anyone, or you’re into weirder shit than is appropriate to talk about in public. Either way, we should not be friends.
10.) Anyone who doesn’t love my dog.
I mean, really. Look at her. LOOK AT HER. How can you not love that face? There’s a hole where your heart should be.