So I have a mom. And an aunt, Aunt Lori. Lori is great; she’s an excellent photographer, makes gorgeous quilts and loves whiskey sours. My mom’s pretty nifty too; she makes soy candles, the best cinnamon rolls and she takes care of just about everyone in the entire world all the damn time. Plus, she gave birth to me so automatically awesome, right?
Lori is married to my mom’s baby brother, John, but she has always fit in like she was born into my mom’s crazy family. Seriously; we’re lucky she and my mom didn’t grow up as sisters because when they’re together, they are trouble.
Take, for instance, greeting cards. Lori likes to send Mom cards with confetti in them so when Mom opens them so gets tiny colorful pieces of fun everywhere. EVERYWHERE. And Mom falls for this. Every. Damn. Time.
So Mom decides that she’s going to get Lori back.
Mom: Ooo, I’m gonna get Lori so good.
Mom: You know how she sends me confetti?
Me: *snort* Yeah…
Mom: So I’m gonna get her back, even better.
Mom: I’m going to send her a card and fill it with baby powder.
Me: Baby powder?
Mom: It’ll be funny! She’ll get the powder all over herself…
Mom: What? It’ll be funny!
Me: You’re gonna send baby powder.
Me: Through the MAIL?
Me: And when the postal workers see a little cloud of dust fly out of the envelope…?
Me: ANTHRAX, MOM! They’re gonna think you’re sending friggin’ anthrax through the mail and they will find you and arrest you and I’m not going to bail you out of jail!
Me: YEAH. OH.
Mom: ….your dad thought it was a good idea…
Me: Great. You’re both going to Gitmo.
Mom: Well. Shit.
Mom: Okay, so I won’t do that.
Me: Good. I don’t want to have to explain how Grandma’s house was once trashed by the Feds.
Mom: Yeah…I’m gonna kill your father for telling me it was a good idea.
Me: It was. Except that whole act of terrorism thing.
So, I’m kind of a mess. But at least I come by it honest.
***Epilogue: She sent Aunt Lori a card filled with little cut-out flower confetti instead of baby powder. Unfortunately for Mom, there was a slit in the card and all but a few flowers fell out.
Aunt Lori laughed her ass off.
Mom’s still pissed.