How my mom almost got arrested.

So I have a mom. And an aunt, Aunt Lori. Lori is great; she’s an excellent photographer, makes gorgeous quilts and loves whiskey sours. My mom’s pretty nifty too; she makes soy candles, the best cinnamon rolls and she takes care of just about everyone in the entire world all the damn time. Plus, she gave birth to me so automatically awesome, right?

Lori is married to my mom’s baby brother, John, but she has always fit in like she was born into my mom’s crazy family. Seriously; we’re lucky she and my mom didn’t grow up as sisters because when they’re together, they are trouble.

Take, for instance, greeting cards. Lori likes to send Mom cards with confetti in them so when Mom opens them so gets tiny colorful pieces of fun everywhere. EVERYWHERE. And Mom falls for this. Every. Damn. Time.

So Mom decides that she’s going to get Lori back.

Mom: Ooo, I’m gonna get Lori so good.

Me: How?

Mom: You know how she sends me confetti?

Me: *snort* Yeah…

Mom: So I’m gonna get her back, even better.

Me: How?

Mom: I’m going to send her a card and fill it with baby powder.

Me: Baby powder?

Mom: Yeah!

Me: Mom.

Mom: It’ll be funny! She’ll get the powder all over herself…

Me: Mom.

Mom: What? It’ll be funny!

Me: MOM!

Mom: Whaaaat?

Me: You’re gonna send baby powder.

Mom: Yeah.

Me: Through the MAIL?

Mom: Yeah?

Me: And when the postal workers see a little cloud of dust fly out of the envelope…?

Mom: Huh?

Me: ANTHRAX, MOM! They’re gonna think you’re sending friggin’ anthrax through the mail and they will find you and arrest you and I’m not going to bail you out of jail!

Mom: ….oh.

Me: YEAH. OH.

Mom: ….your dad thought it was a good idea…

Me: Great. You’re both going to Gitmo.

Mom: Well. Shit.

Me: Yup.

Mom: Okay, so I won’t do that.

Me: Good. I don’t want to have to explain how Grandma’s house was once trashed by the Feds.

Mom: Yeah…I’m gonna kill your father for telling me it was a good idea.

Me: It was. Except that whole act of terrorism thing.

Mom: Yeah….dammit.

So, I’m kind of a mess. But at least I come by it honest.

***Epilogue: She sent Aunt Lori a card filled with little cut-out flower confetti instead of baby powder. Unfortunately for Mom, there was a slit in the card and all but a few flowers fell out.

Aunt Lori laughed her ass off.

Mom’s still pissed.

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23 comments on “How my mom almost got arrested.

  1. Madge
    June 22, 2011 at 4:53 am #

    GLITTER. Glitter gets everywhere. it’s too little to be able to pick up, but the individual bits (glits?)(that sounds wrong) get EVERYWHERE.

    we’re keen on the confetti here in the UK, in Europe not so much.

    did i know this on my year abroad in Germany when i sent a card to a bride and groom (who i actually didn’t like much, but mainly because she was mean. blah, long story)? no, i did not.

    did they open that card in the honeymoon suite on the bed after the wedding? yes, they did.
    did they hate me even more then? yes.
    Did i act terribly apologetic, but secretly think it was hilarious? yes.
    did everyone else in my little German town love this story for it’s cultural clashing? Oh yes.

    sorry, that became a little Q&A. i need coffee…

    • Erin
      June 22, 2011 at 8:22 am #

      Glits is absolutely the right word. Now I’m going to send cards to all my girlfriends and fill them with glitter and scrawl innuendo-filled warnings all over them. And giggle like a ten year old.

      • kindofamess
        June 22, 2011 at 10:24 am #

        Just remember, put the card in spine first so the glitter stays in the card….I sent one once to a friend and put it in opening first and all the confetti stayed in the envelope. She was like, “Oh, the card was so cute, and I love the envelope of confetti!!” *sigh*

    • kindofamess
      June 22, 2011 at 10:22 am #

      Ooooo…..you are the devil. I love it!

      Glits…so dirty! I love that too.

  2. Beylit
    June 22, 2011 at 8:31 am #

    That story reminds me of my mother and aunt. I am not sure who would be on the oblivious end however as my mom has a few brain problems brought on by the meth (she takes it for pain management, its totally legit I swear) and my aunt is just a ditz. My aunt once spent like 6 hours on a bus sitting next to, and chatting with, Harry Connick Jr, and never once knew who he was. (And yes this was after he was in well enough known movies that she should have recognized him) Come to think of it she did the same thing on a plane once with Patrick Swayze.
    Anyways, it reminds me of them.

    I am going to however suggest confetti filled cards to my mom since she loves to annoy my aunt (and make things like homemade confetti. Win win for her.)

    • kindofamess
      June 22, 2011 at 10:27 am #

      I wanna know what Harry Connick Jr. was doing on a a bus for 6 hours. I also wanna know if he’s hot in person because I never think he’s hot and then I see him in an interview and I’m like, “He’s kinda sexy,” and I have NO IDEA WHY. It’s disconcerting..

      I made homemade confetti for Meg’s bridal shower. I got a sore hand, but it was SO MUCH FUN. Your mom and I would get along….

      • Beylit
        June 23, 2011 at 8:38 am #

        So when my uncle Brian was in the Air Force Academy he was on the Olympic Handball team (I am not making this up I swear) but it was the year that America did not go to the Olympics. Fast forward to when the Summer Olympics were held in Atlanta. When they ran the Olympic torch across the country they had to have a lot of people to run. Every torch bearer had a small section to run (like half a mile or something like that, I really have no idea). Anyways my uncle is now a pilot for Delta, and Delta as a corporation got to have ‘x’ number of employees have the honor of being a torch bearer. They thought it was appropriate for my uncle to be one since he had been an Olympic athlete but never gotten to participate. So my uncle ran the Olympic torch through part of Utah (near Park City which is where they held the giant slolum competition in the Utah Winter Olympics).

        Harry Connick Jr was also running the Olympic torch on the same stretch my uncle was.

        The torch people would load all the runners and their families on buses and take them to the next pass off point, all the way to the end of the stretch (which ended at the beginning really, so they were bussed out to the first point early in the morning and then made the reverse trip home.) My aunt happened to be on the same bus with Harry Connick Jr and spent most of the ride chatting with him. It was only when my uncle asked what he was like that she had any idea she had been sitting near someone important.

        On a side note, I am told he is a lovely man and very kind. All of the runners got to buy their torches at the end of the run, to keep and mount on their walls (or you know light bonfires or start the grill, whatever). One of the runners on this stretch could not afford the torch, so the other runners went in to buy it for him. According to my uncle Harry Connick Jr put in a very large portion of it, (or might have fronted all the money at the time, I don’t remember that detail exactly).

        I also typically think he is hot when I see him singing, but generally less so when he is acting. I always think of him in Copycat as the creepy redneck serial killer, and that sort of kills his sexy vibe right there.

  3. lizzie
    June 22, 2011 at 9:31 am #

    ha! your mom sounds marvelous, alyssa. i mainly just listen to my grandma and her best friend argue over whether or not it’s close enough to one of their birthdays to order dessert.

    • kindofamess
      June 22, 2011 at 10:35 am #

      That’s a really good idea….”It’s almost my birthday, I need dessert!” I’m stealing it…

      My birthday is in August. I think I deserve a Slurpee today….

      • Kristy
        June 22, 2011 at 2:14 pm #

        Mine is on Sunday. I totally deserve those deep-dish cookies w/ice cream that I’ve seen on twitter lately.

  4. ElfPuddle
    June 22, 2011 at 10:36 am #

    My college friends and I sent confetti and glitter to each other all the time. I have no idea why we stopped. Maybe because we grew up and had to vacuum after our own damn selves?

    When our buddy Terry got married (the first time), somebody (and I swear I don’t know who) poured glitter and confetti into the vents in front of his windshield, then turned his fan on high, so that when the car was started after the reception…Yeah. Terry and Renn never did get the car clean. Years later, every once in a while, a bit of confetti flew out of the heater vents. I’m sure it still does.

    • kindofamess
      June 22, 2011 at 10:40 am #

      DEAR GOD, THAT IS BRILLIANT.

      I’m so glad I have the key to Jethro’s truck…heh heh….it is on like Donkey Kong.

      • ElfPuddle
        June 22, 2011 at 1:29 pm #

        As long as you remember that the passenger gets it as much as the driver….

        just saying….

    • KatjaMichelle
      June 22, 2011 at 9:28 pm #

      we totally just did the confetti and glitter in the vents of the car to a coworker for his birthday it was awesome!!! …until i realized that my birthday is coming up and i’m scared about what they’ll do to me…

    • ddayporter
      June 23, 2011 at 8:25 am #

      oh man I must do this to the next person who gets married. SUCH a good idea. heeee

      • ddayporter
        June 23, 2011 at 8:44 am #

        wooops this was supposed to be in response to the confetti in the car thing! hee

  5. Kristy
    June 22, 2011 at 10:36 am #

    How do you always crack me up so much? I think the epilogue is really what got me.

    • kindofamess
      June 22, 2011 at 10:43 am #

      It is so true. She told me the epilogue the other day when I was in Wal-Mart and I was like, “SEE?!? That’s what happens when you’re mean, karma bites you in the butt!”

      And then, hand to God, I got off the phone and that’s when I broke the candle whenit fell out of the box it was in.

      BAM. Karma.

  6. Sharon
    June 22, 2011 at 1:39 pm #

    Heehee. Heehee. Heehee. 😀

  7. craftosaurus
    June 22, 2011 at 6:49 pm #

    Aw, this makes me wish that I had a sister-in-law who was all just-like-my-fam awesome.

    Er, I mean… ha! That really is a great story. 🙂 (Also, if your mom really wants to get Lori back? Next time she visits: turn the bedcovers/sheets back, sprinkle salt, replace bedcovers. It’s IMPOSSIBLE to brush away entirely.)

    • aunt lori
      June 22, 2011 at 10:58 pm #

      I don’t like that says Aunt Lori Plus, she loves me and wouldn’t want to be mean…….

  8. aunt lori
    June 22, 2011 at 10:55 pm #

    That was told very well, and i too have shared it with many of my friends. i couldn’t wait to call your mom to tell her about the envelope!!!!! oh how she tried, she did tell me about the powder. i thought it was good she ran it by you too. schooooooooooo yeah i couldn’t travel that far to visit and we talk about every day so that would be hard……….be good carol and DO NOT SEND GLITTER>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Pen Pals!: July Prompt | Kind of a Mess - July 18, 2011

    […] Use pretty paper, plain notebook paper, notecards, whatever you want!  And remember, you can include surprises in the letter, but everything has to fit in a regular size envelope. (Please note, do NOT send baby powder.) […]

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