Is it weird that I sometimes acquaint artists with a certain type of person I’ve been friends with? Maybe it’s their personality, maybe it’s their music, but certain musicians are just immensely likeable and make me think of what type of friend they’d be.
Okay, yeah, it is a little weird. I’m okay with that. Just go with it.
Kelly and I would have totally hung out in college. We’d get all tarted up and then head to bars, where we’d dare each other to go talk to that guy and then actually do it, because we were independent women like that. Then we’d find out that guy is kind of a douche, so we’d leave and get ice cream on the way home and watch “While You Were Sleeping” and then talk about how adorable Sandra Bullock is and how we’d still totally go out with Bill Pullman, even if he is our dads’ age. And when we woke up, we’d watch “Cutting Edge” for the 40th time. Toe pick!!!
Actually, I might just be confusing Kelly Clarkson with my real life friend, Jessica. Remind me to tell y’all about milking the Franzia bag one of these days.
P!nk
P!nk is the cool friend you had in high school who convinced you it was okay that you weren’t at the cool kids table. She taught you how to french inhale and how Zima tastes better with a Jolly Rancher dissolved in it, but always looked out for you; like when a joint got passed around and before you could even refuse, she’d already informed everyone that wasn’t your thing and no one dared laugh at you. Your mom may not like her, but P!nk is good people.
Jessie J
Jessie J. is the friend that makes you feel cool by proxy. She’s able to find great things at the thrift store whereas you always walk out with some accessory you regret, like that purse that turned out to smell like shrimp cocktail. She gets you to take chances with your wardrobe that don’t always go well, but sometime work and always stretches your comfort zone. (Who knew red eyeshadow can actually be worn on occasions other than Halloween?) She also has a weird hobby that she somehow makes way more sophisticated than it would be if you did it, like pinochle or tatting.
Adele
Oh Adele…she’d be my drinkin’ buddy. She seems like the type of friend that, when you refuse to go out because you just had a break-up and you are busy are lying on the couch in your fat pants, staring at the ceiling fan and contemplating celibacy, drags you out in a borrowed dress that shows off The Girls and too much eyeliner. And maybe you two spend all night shunning men, drinking beer and eating too much fried bar food, maybe you both have too many Jager Bombs and she convinces you to make out with some adorable much younger guy in a stairwell. Either way, you have a great time that you only slightly regret and you wake up the next day hungover, but feeling a little better about life. Everyone needs that friend – just don’t let them give speeches at your wedding.
Patty Griffin
Now Patty; Patty is the one who helps out out after a night with Adele. She makes the best enchiladas in the world and listens to your crazy stories without judgement. Mostly. She’s calm, she’s nice and she makes a great replacement for your mom when things go terribly awry and you can’t call your ACTUAL mom because she’d kill you. She’s also the one you call sobbing at 4am and she shows up at your house a half and hour later with a pregnancy test and and a sympathetic ear. She even remembers to bring a tube of cookie dough. Amazing.
******
So moppets, what celebrity would be YOUR bestie? Discuss.
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Kind of a Mess 
So I just flipped through my iPod, and I don’t think I’d hang with any of those peeps! I do have a Dolly Parton song on there (“Jolene”), and she makes me think of the aunt that hugs you too tightly, has overpowering perfume, and gets lipstick on you when she kisses your cheek.*
Doesn’t she also seem like the type that if you got her liquored up, she’d tell you all sorts of stories about her wild ways as a teenager? But in a totally non-chalant manner.
You’d be talking about a triple play in baseball and suddenly she’d bust out with something like –
“THAT’S no triple play. Me, Bobby Smitters and Julie Waifton on the homeplate on prom night. Now THAT was a triple play.”
Sudden awkward silence as you figure out why Mee-Maw always hid the bourbon at family gatherings….
I really really enjoyed the pictures in my head that went along with that scene. I could even hear her (somewhat slurry) voice in my head. It made me smile.
TOE PICK!!!
Stop making me fall in love with you.
Oh no…the Franzia bladder. Did you know that once you drink it’s contents you can then blow it up and use it as a pillow? (Don’t judge me)
I’m pretty sure I would love to hang out with Amanda Palmer. We could wake up and look sexy without showering (this would be a magical gift she would bestow upon me) and spend an entire day drinking strange cocktails, wearing outfits that scream “I don’t care about your society norms”!!!, plan and execute a flash mob and then end it at a dark and dreary piano bar where we sing duets while she plays the Ukulele.
That would be a fun day.
AND she’s a Doctor Who fan! (Cause she gives insightful commentary on the BBCAmerica Doctor Who specials. And since I’m a dork, that makes her even more awesome.)
And there’s no judgement, I’m just sorry I didn’t know this sooner! This might need to be a weekend project… “Creative things to do with the Franzia bladder.”
You can also wrap up the full bladder in a pillow case, shove it in a backpack, and sneak it past easily fooled security into a free Belle & Sebastian concert in NY. I convinced them the pink wine was punch. It was kind of awesome.
AND she married to Neil Gaiman so that makes her just even more cool and amazing because hopefully he’d come along and tell us wonderfully brilliant, dark, and twisted stories in his lovely British accent.
Ahem…
TOE PICK!
::runs away::
Aw, dammit, Ariel got there first. ::laughs::
I would totally be friend with P!nk and Adele. I would also like to add Reba McEntire cause she’d be awesome to hang out with (perferably at a bar while drinking a beer) and would tell you like it is.
So, before now I thought you were funny, but now I know you like Patty Griffin I truly understand your awesomeness!
Charlotte Martin! She’d drink lots of wine with you and help plan out how to get back at evil exes, or how best to go after a cute guy (she’s got a song titled “I’m normal, please date me” aka the stalker song). She’s little and spunky.
If I wanted to throw something little and classy slutty (yes it’s a thing) on and go dancing I’d want Grace Potter with me.
And I gotta go with Jenny on Reba (she’s been my idol since I was a little Ginger kid).