Anyway, here are my favorite Grammy moments. (Please note that I had loads of lovely links in here, but every single one of them is dead as of moments before I published this because the internet hates me.  Forgive me for my non-linkage, you can Google the performances yourself if you missed them.)

~ LL Cool J’s opening speech.   Great rally cry to get people excited, but much less effective because it’s LL and he CAN’T STOP LICKING HIS LIPS. I blame Jamie Foxx for this, he pointed it out in a comedy special and I can’t not see it whenever I see the man. It’s like Whoopi Goldberg and her eyebrows; once you mention it, it’s all you can think about.

~ Alicia Keys and Bonnie Raitt singing Etta James’s A Sunday Kind of Love.   Perfection. Love her, love them, love that damn song.

~The Twitter hate every time Chris Brown came on screen.   I wouldn’t spit on that boy if he were on fire.  (I’m totally not kidding about the Twitter hate, The Daily Beast said that his first performance “inspired #womanbeater to become a worldwide trending topic on Twitter.”)

[EDIT: I saw this on Twitter and thought it relevant; the police report from the altercation.]

~Beach Boys tribute   Not a huge fan, but my Adam Levine love knows no bounds. And you Foster the People kid? How’s about you take a tip from Adam and when you join the BB’s in the end, pull your mic away a bit and let the men sing their own song? He did look pretty excited to be there, so I’ll leave him alone. However, the off-key background singers during Adam’s set that made him pull out an earpiece to get on key himself? NO LOVE FOR YOU.

Also, where the hell was Uncle Jesse?!?! You can’t tell me that he’s too busy hawking yogurt to join in the fun?

~Fergie’s dress  When I saw it, I immediately hollered out to Jethro, “Oh, honey!  Someone stole the inside of her dress!”  He ignored me.  He does not find me funny.  Which he should know only makes me try harder…  Ask my mom how many times I used to dance in the doorway and sing “You Gotta Get a Gimmick” from Gypsy whenever she was on the phone with my Aunt Lori.  The more she ignored me, the more I shook my tushy.

Thank the Lord there wasn’t cellphone cameras at that time.

~Taylor Swift’s face when LL Cool J called her his “around the way girl.”  Relax, Tay-Tay.  It’s a good thing.  And it has nothing to do with dirty grown-up things and your butt, despite what I used to tell my friends in high school.  (WHAT?  Like you wouldn’t get tired of the “Oh, you’re black, you’ll know this…” questions.)

~Kelly Clarkson and Jason Aldean’s “Don’t You Wanna Stay” performance  JASON.  I know your mic went out, but you are professional and you’re at the friggin’ Grammys.  POWER THROUGH, SON.  Maybe he was mad he got a normal mic while Kelly has one with ruby sparklies on it.  I’d be jealous too.  If Kelly wasn’t my BFF, I’d be jealous right now.

~Taylor Swift’s performance of “Mean”  Okay, I have to say that I’m not a fan but despite the Hee Haw decor, I thought this was cute.  She was even on-key mostly!!  Yay for her.

But seriously, Taylor?  We should talk.  I know the song is supposed to be about the music industry, but you also said it was about a boy.  A mean boy.  Just like the fourteen other mean boys you’ve written about.  How’s about we stop dating mean boys?  Actually, just stop dating boys altogether.  Be single for a while, it is AMAZING.  You can quit shaving, eat nachos for dinner and drip it on your shirt and nobody cares, it’s great!  And when you start dating again, how about YOU chase a boy and sweep HIM off your feet.  If it backfires, it’s a different hurt and you must medicate with gin, but when it goes right you will think you are more bad-a** than you ever have before.  THEN you’ll have some excellent fodder for songs.  (Cause the “he done me wrong where’s my white horse, princess, knight sweeping me off my feet” thing you got goin’ on?  Ain’t cuttin’ it.)

~Jennifer Hudson’s Whitney tribute  I’m not even about to make fun of this, or Whitney’s passing because this was lovely.  And Whitney…let’s just say that I was way more excited than necessary about her comeback and her death still makes me really sad.

~Katy Perry’s “Part of Me” performance   Didn’t like it.  The song sounded all girl-power but it seemed…tacky.  Dunno.  Plus how much she looks like Zoe Deschanel freaks me out.  Plus, she’s apparently trying to bring crimped hair back and I ain’t havin’ none of THAT sh*t.)

~Bon Iver’s win   I don’t listen to his music, though I’d probably like it, but I have to unrelated bones to pick.  FIRST, am I the only one who keeps thinking people are saying “Bonnie Beer” when they say his name?  I had no idea it was pronounced like that until last night.  Second, am I the only one who saw Rhinna scooch out of the way in her aisle seat when he walked by, like she was about to be touched by the unclean?  Hon, I know you wanted Nikki Minaj to win, but let’s show some class, K?  Love the dark roots though, you’re rockin’ them way harder than Katy Perry is.  (KATY, everyone knows you need to redo your Punky Colour every two weeks or it looks terrible.  Don’t you have people for this??)

~Nikki Minaj’s “Roman Holiday” performance   What in the hell?  What the sh*t was that???

~Adele’s performance and acceptance speech   She said she had a “bit of snot” during her speech.  I’d totally do that.  This is why we should have drinks together.

HOWEVER.  Let’s talk about her performance.  “Rolling in the Deep” is a song about water.  The line is “Lay your ship bare.”  Not “sh*t”, despite what every teenager likes to sing and then say, “What, Mom?  Those are the words…”  And CERTAINLY not “stuff” as Adele sang last night.  “Lay your stuff bare?”  What does that even MEAN?  Adele, you’re sweet, great vocals, let’s do lunch.  But please don’t censor yourself because America is too stupid to not get up in arms about a mondegreen.  Tell CBS to shove it and sing your heart out with the RIGHT lyrics.  Those of us who care (and buy your music) will respect you more.

Alrighty, moppets.  What were your favorite moments?

1. Falling

So I did something awesome a little while back. While walking to lunch on campus, I somehow missed bringing my foot all the way up on the a curb and tripped. Now, this would have just been embarrassing if I hadn’t:

A) Been in the middle of the quad at lunch

B) Been unable to catch myself with my hands and landed on my face

C) Had my mouth open as I fell.

I got the unique opportunity to watch the ground rise up and punch me in the DAMNED FACE.  I was about a foot to the right of the sidewalk so I landed on the grass, and we’d gotten some rain so that when I went teeth-first into the ground, my incisors chomped up wet grass and not concrete or bone dry dirt.

So, I walked back into my building and picked dirt out of my teeth. (Not kidding. Thank God I carry a toothbrush.) Luckily I’m not an insecure teen anymore, so I walked right back out there, past the same people who saw me fall and got my lunch. Because it was an accident, it’s not a big deal and I probably won’t even see half those people ever again. Also, nothing comes between a thick girl and her Cold Cut Combo.

2. Giant Eyes

Okay, this started early for me, before it got super popular. You remember that Soundgarden video from the 90′s “Black Hole Sun”? It was the sh*t when it came out, but it scared the BEJEEZUS out of me. All those elongated body parts and crazy eyes and AHHH!! I hate it. But before, all I had to do was ignore the video and my life would be fine. Soundgarden is fairly creepy anyway, even if Chris Cornell is hot in a way your momma warned you about.

However, now there is a proliferation of “Twisted Whiskers” cards and books and posters that feature animals photoshopped to hell and back so that they look like their eyes are the size of dinner plates and OH MY LORD IT IS SO EFFED UP! Why are their eyes so big? WHO thinks that is cute? And they have a TV SHOW or something?? Why is that funny? That’s not funny, that’s HORRIFYING!!!!

I give you this as an example, but it PAINS me to do so.

WHY, Y’ALL?? WHYYYY?!?

Also? Jethro finds this hilarious, so he’s bought me two of their greeting cards AND a plush doll we call Mr. Peepers.

He’s a terrible person.

I use Mr. Peepers as my defense system, if I have one of their own near me as I sleep, they can’t haunt my dreams.

3. Prius commercial

Going with my “WTF, world?!?” theme, there’s this Prius commercial. I present it with little commentary, other than the promise that I will never ever own a Prius just because of this commercial. The only thing that makes me turn the TV faster is that ASPCA commercial with Sarah McLachlan.

4. My inability to break up with Grey’s Anatomy

Okay.  This is hard to admit, but I have watched Grey’s Anatomy since it started.  I fell in love with George and Cristina and Mere and the whole gang, especially Izzie. (Katherine Heigl before she got annoying.)

I watched through it all, even though they KILLED my favorite character, Denny.  (Seriously, when he died, I thought I would have to take a personal day.  I was bereft.)  Somewhere along the line I stopped, mostly around season 5 or something.  I was fine, good even.  Life went on.

The problem is, this little show called Private Practice started up.  Now, I don’t know if you know this, but Taye Diggs is my second husband, as soon as those pesky polygamy laws go away.  I love him.  LOVE.  So when I found out he had a new show, I was intrigued.  Then I found out that Audra McDonald would be on there and since she is on my list of people I wish I could be, I was even more interested.  THEN I found out that Tim Daly was going to be in the cast and that sealed it for me.  Because Tim Daly has been my secret boyfriend since he was a stuffy pilot on Wings. (Taye knows.  It’s okay.  So does Jethro.  He’s not psyched.)

Thing is, Private Practice is a spin-off of Grey’s Anatomy and it airs directly after.  I was still able to resist Grey’s siren song, despite always catching the last two minutes on my DVR, but I was strong.  I did not need Grey’s to be happy.

THEN, the crossover episode came.  And in order to find out what was going on, I had to watch Grey’s.  And suddenly, like an alcoholic who sips some champagne at a wedding and then goes on a bender two days later, I was hooked again.  Hooked, but good. *sigh*

And it’s not a big deal.  It’s just a TV show.  But the problem is that after it’s over, I am always a giant snotty mess. Seriously, there are car crashes and brain tumors and mommies giving up their lives for their children and screws tearing open hearts babies dying and cancer and Jesus H. tap-dancing Christ, it’s ROUGH, Y’ALL.

Almost weekly, Jethro walks into the living room and finds me heaving and sobbing on the couch and always asks, “Why do you STILL watch this show?!?” and I invariably respond with a “Be*SOB*cause, *SNIFF* it’s *SOB* so *HEAVE* gooooood!!!  WAHHH!!!”

It’s a problem.

My name is Alyssa and I’m a Grey’s Anatomy addict.

Lord help me.

5. My hair right now

My hair is STUPID right now and I hate it.  I need a haircut but I dread them like I dread going to the dentist; I know it needs to be done and I’ll be happy I did but it is SUCH A DRAG.  My favorite stylist is my best friend’s cousin in Fort Worth and as much as I love him, it’s a beating to drive there for a cut.  Plus, he’s crazy popular, I probably wouldn’t get an appointment.

I’m really just whining now.  And I know none of y’all care.  Well, four of you care, but that’s because you’re sweet.  The rest of you is wondering when I’m going to start talking about Jethro farting and or post a picture of Maggie.  But it’s my blog and I get to whine if I want to.  They can’t all be funny, people!!

But seriously, I need a haircut.

Image Sources:  Angry cat, soul-stealing cat.

Partially in honor of Halloween, partially because I just felt like it, Jethro and I decided to watch Monster Squad last night.

Well, I decided to watch it but since I can’t work the DVD player,  I just yelled “MONSTER SQUAD!” at regular intervals until Jethro put it in.  Because I’m super mature.

Monster Squad has always been one of my favorites, as it was on regular rotation on HBO when I was growing up.  Sure, Goonies was cooler, but Monster Squad had MONSTERS.  Monsters beat pirates any day. It’s campy, it’s cheesy, it’s full of plot holes and it’s so much damn fun.

Don’t believe me?  I present my evidence. [EDITED: Spoilers abound.]

1.   Phoebe?  ADORABLE.  Phoebe and Frankenstein?  MELT.

“It’s okay guys, he’s friends with us.  C’mon, don’t be chicken-sh*t!”

2. Rudy coming to the rescue of Horace.  The leather jacket, lighting the cigarette off his shoes, making the kid from the Wonder Years eat the squished candy bar off the ground?  And later where he shoots the vampire girls with a bow and arrow?  Six year old me swooned.

3. Dracula?  SCARIEST BAD GUY EVER.

“Give me the amulet, you BITCH!”

According to IMDB, her scream at that line was real; the actor playing Dracula never wore his fangs or red contacts around her because it scared her too much, so when he lifted her up and opened his eyes at her, she understandably freaked and probably pooped her overalls a little. And I might have too.
Seriously, he’s one of the best Dracula’s.  And vaguely hot, now that I’m older and not terrified of him.  No effing sparkly vampires here, NO SIR.

4. The minor discussion of why Wolfman needs to wear pants makes Jethro laugh so hard he wheezes.  (Why?  To hide his wolf dork.)

5. EIGHTIES MOVIE MONTAGE!!!!

6. Lines like this:

“Aww, man, Fat Kid farted!”

“Okay, so what’s German for ‘Please don’t murder us’?”
(scary German guy walks up behind them.)
“Bitte, moerden-zie uns nicht.”

“Are you absolute sure that she is..?”
“You’re not a virgin are you?  No, no, what do you mean no?!?”
“Well, Steve, but he doesn’t count.
“DOESN’T COUNT?!?”

“Creature stole my twinkie!”

7. The ENDING. The bad-ass swirling vortex limbo thing and a thumbs up from Van Helsing, with some pathos thrown in as Phoebe begs Frankenstein, “Don’t go, Frankenstein, please don’t go away!”
And he stumble to where she’s hiding and holds her hand as he says goodbye and slips away into limbo.
And then? And then?
AND THEN SHE THROWS HER TEDDY BEAR TO FRANKENSTEIN!!
And I collapse in a puddle of sentimental goo.

*TEAR*

8. And, of course, the best part.

I hear they’re remaking it, but I call shenanigans.  You can’t remake perfection.

So?  Your thoughts on Monster Squad? What’s your favorite cheestastic Halloween flick?

*Photos from here, here, here and here.

Pushing Daisies was, for two brief shining seasons, some of the best television out there.  It was the story of Ned the Piemaker, a man with the ability to bring back the dead with a touch.  He can only bring them to life for 60 seconds before something else must die in order to balance out that life-touch.  The other downside is that if Ned touches that living thing again, they fall down dead. Again. Permanently. Bummer. Ned uses his gift to solve crimes, working with a PI to speak to the dead for a minute to find out the circumstances of their death.  He brought back to life his childhood love, Charlotte “Chuck” Charles, in order to find out her murderer, only to leave her alive.  And never able to touch her again.  And they fall deeply in love. Major bummer.

Pushing Daisies was fun, quirky, and visually stunning.  And because of this, too good for TV and got cancelled.  (I don’t want to talk about it.)

But the best part of Pushing Daisies was how the fabulous clothes that Chuck wore on a regular basis.  Leading to one of the items on my life list: “Dress like Chuck.”

 A strange style icon to emulate?  Possibly.  But her clothes are a modern quirky mix of 50′s sweetheart and 60′s mod girl. Lots of a-line dresses, pretty florals and cardigans.  (I like cardigans.  I’m an old lady like that.) And it’s not just me, there are loads of bloggers who love Chuck, especially this Flickr poster who built a style guide around the character.

My favorites? (Large images abound.)

Okay, I know this is huge, but it needs to be.  Stop looking at those shoes for a second. No, I know, they’re great.  But I want you to check out this dress for a second.  Pretty boat neck*, fun skirt…. do you see it?  IT’S LACE!  I KNOW, awesome, right??  Now let’s look at the shoes again…  *happy sigh*

Okay, so this is a uniform of sorts as a “Bee Girl” (Don’t ask, watch “Bzzzzzzz!”) but the while the design looks like a rug in a hotel, the bows and bee pin slay me.  SLAY ME!  Plus, I love up-do’s. And yellow and black piping.

YELLOW SWEATER DRESS.  I want it.  And her fabric flower in her head. And that pie stand in the foreground. But the dress first.  Priorities, people.

Yay cardigans! Pair it with a sweet buttondown top and circle skirt and you look like you’re about to walk into a malt shoppe for a soda with the girls.  I loves it.

That pose just says, “Oh, I’m sorry.  Did we just take your grandma’s couch, throw in a bubble dress and a pencil skirt and mix it around and then pop out with an outfit made of awesome?  Yeah.  Yeah, we did.”

Okay, fellow style aspirants.  If you could dress like one person or character for the rest of your life, who would it be?

*I originally called this a bateau neckline. However, the always fabulous Ms. Bunny of bunnies’n'beagles said that a boat neck scoops deeper than a bateau.  See how smart she is?  Go read her blog.