I must preface this with saying that I know how my marriage will end, and it will be with me beating Jethro over the head with the fancy Logitech Harmony One Universal Remote with Color Touchscreen that I bought him for Christmas and he can’t figure out how to use but won’t admit it. Jethro has a serious problem and his problem is that he is completely unable to watch television in real time. I’m fine with DVR-ing things (I almost said “taping things” because I’m old) and fast-forwarding through commercials, but he has to fast-forward through things he considers boring, like exposition and scenes without car chases. If he does get caught up with a live show, he has to go watch other things like Kung Fu Hustle or Ocean’s Eleven for the fortieth time, just to give it time to record so he can fast-forward with abandon. Which makes award ceremony viewing with him just a barrel of friggin’ monkeys. Thank God he gave up around 9:30 and went upstairs, otherwise how was I going to be able to Twitter-complain about the show if I was a half hour behind?
Anyway, here are my favorite Grammy moments. (Please note that I had loads of lovely links in here, but every single one of them is dead as of moments before I published this because the internet hates me. Forgive me for my non-linkage, you can Google the performances yourself if you missed them.)
~ LL Cool J’s opening speech. Great rally cry to get people excited, but much less effective because it’s LL and he CAN’T STOP LICKING HIS LIPS. I blame Jamie Foxx for this, he pointed it out in a comedy special and I can’t not see it whenever I see the man. It’s like Whoopi Goldberg and her eyebrows; once you mention it, it’s all you can think about.
~ Alicia Keys and Bonnie Raitt singing Etta James’s A Sunday Kind of Love. Perfection. Love her, love them, love that damn song.
~The Twitter hate every time Chris Brown came on screen. I wouldn’t spit on that boy if he were on fire. (I’m totally not kidding about the Twitter hate, The Daily Beast said that his first performance “inspired #womanbeater to become a worldwide trending topic on Twitter.”)
[EDIT: I saw this on Twitter and thought it relevant; the police report from the altercation.]
~Beach Boys tribute Not a huge fan, but my Adam Levine love knows no bounds. And you Foster the People kid? How’s about you take a tip from Adam and when you join the BB’s in the end, pull your mic away a bit and let the men sing their own song? He did look pretty excited to be there, so I’ll leave him alone. However, the off-key background singers during Adam’s set that made him pull out an earpiece to get on key himself? NO LOVE FOR YOU.
Also, where the hell was Uncle Jesse?!?! You can’t tell me that he’s too busy hawking yogurt to join in the fun?
~Fergie’s dress When I saw it, I immediately hollered out to Jethro, “Oh, honey! Someone stole the inside of her dress!” He ignored me. He does not find me funny. Which he should know only makes me try harder… Ask my mom how many times I used to dance in the doorway and sing “You Gotta Get a Gimmick” from Gypsy whenever she was on the phone with my Aunt Lori. The more she ignored me, the more I shook my tushy.
Thank the Lord there wasn’t cellphone cameras at that time.
~Taylor Swift’s face when LL Cool J called her his “around the way girl.” Relax, Tay-Tay. It’s a good thing. And it has nothing to do with dirty grown-up things and your butt, despite what I used to tell my friends in high school. (WHAT? Like you wouldn’t get tired of the “Oh, you’re black, you’ll know this…” questions.)
~Kelly Clarkson and Jason Aldean’s “Don’t You Wanna Stay” performance JASON. I know your mic went out, but you are professional and you’re at the friggin’ Grammys. POWER THROUGH, SON. Maybe he was mad he got a normal mic while Kelly has one with ruby sparklies on it. I’d be jealous too. If Kelly wasn’t my BFF, I’d be jealous right now.
~Taylor Swift’s performance of “Mean” Okay, I have to say that I’m not a fan but despite the Hee Haw decor, I thought this was cute. She was even on-key mostly!! Yay for her.
But seriously, Taylor? We should talk. I know the song is supposed to be about the music industry, but you also said it was about a boy. A mean boy. Just like the fourteen other mean boys you’ve written about. How’s about we stop dating mean boys? Actually, just stop dating boys altogether. Be single for a while, it is AMAZING. You can quit shaving, eat nachos for dinner and drip it on your shirt and nobody cares, it’s great! And when you start dating again, how about YOU chase a boy and sweep HIM off your feet. If it backfires, it’s a different hurt and you must medicate with gin, but when it goes right you will think you are more bad-a** than you ever have before. THEN you’ll have some excellent fodder for songs. (Cause the “he done me wrong where’s my white horse, princess, knight sweeping me off my feet” thing you got goin’ on? Ain’t cuttin’ it.)
~Jennifer Hudson’s Whitney tribute I’m not even about to make fun of this, or Whitney’s passing because this was lovely. And Whitney…let’s just say that I was way more excited than necessary about her comeback and her death still makes me really sad.
~Katy Perry’s “Part of Me” performance Didn’t like it. The song sounded all girl-power but it seemed…tacky. Dunno. Plus how much she looks like Zoe Deschanel freaks me out. Plus, she’s apparently trying to bring crimped hair back and I ain’t havin’ none of THAT sh*t.)
~Bon Iver’s win I don’t listen to his music, though I’d probably like it, but I have to unrelated bones to pick. FIRST, am I the only one who keeps thinking people are saying “Bonnie Beer” when they say his name? I had no idea it was pronounced like that until last night. Second, am I the only one who saw Rhinna scooch out of the way in her aisle seat when he walked by, like she was about to be touched by the unclean? Hon, I know you wanted Nikki Minaj to win, but let’s show some class, K? Love the dark roots though, you’re rockin’ them way harder than Katy Perry is. (KATY, everyone knows you need to redo your Punky Colour every two weeks or it looks terrible. Don’t you have people for this??)
~Nikki Minaj’s “Roman Holiday” performance What in the hell? What the sh*t was that???
~Adele’s performance and acceptance speech She said she had a “bit of snot” during her speech. I’d totally do that. This is why we should have drinks together.
HOWEVER. Let’s talk about her performance. “Rolling in the Deep” is a song about water. The line is “Lay your ship bare.” Not “sh*t”, despite what every teenager likes to sing and then say, “What, Mom? Those are the words…” And CERTAINLY not “stuff” as Adele sang last night. “Lay your stuff bare?” What does that even MEAN? Adele, you’re sweet, great vocals, let’s do lunch. But please don’t censor yourself because America is too stupid to not get up in arms about a mondegreen. Tell CBS to shove it and sing your heart out with the RIGHT lyrics. Those of us who care (and buy your music) will respect you more.
Alrighty, moppets. What were your favorite moments?