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Before and After

As much as I’d like to think that pregnancy hasn’t changed me, my first trimester done messed my world UP.  Aside from the constant weirdness physically —”I’m hot!  My boobs hurt! I’m cold! Hug me! I’m gonna throw up! My head hurts! GOD, I’m so tired! Don’t touch me! Why is it so HOT in here? You’re ignoring me!  I’m starving! OH GOD, I’M GONNA HURL!” — there are some other definite changes goin’ on in the Mess household.

Before: Jesus, Jethro; X-Factor again? God, I hate this show, all they do is bitch at each other.

*half an hour later* Thank God that’s done.  Is NCIS on?

After: BWAHHHHH!! Why did they kick Rachel off?!? SHE’S JUST A BABY!  Look at her, she’s sooo SAAAAADDDD!  *SOB*  WHHHHYYYY??

*half an hour later*

*SOB*  WHHHHYYYY??

~~~~~~~

Before: Gee, I’m hungry.

After: I swear on all that is holy, if you do not decide where we are going to eat RIGHT THIS SECOND, I will stab you and leave you dead in a ditch.

~~~~~~~

Before: *sniff*  Ew.  Dog, did you just fart?

After: *sniff*  DEAR LORD IN HEAVEN! Release the beasts the occupy thy bottom, fair canine!  Such a smell can only be devil’s work! BEGONE, DEMON!!!!!

~~~~~~~

Before: Aww, that Freebirds worker is so sweet, flirting with me when I’ve got no makeup on and I’m all raggedy.  You earned your tip, you charmer.

After: CHOP, CHOP HIPSTER!  Less talkey, more burrito MAKEY.  If I do not get steak and rice goodness in my hand POST HASTE, I will rip that goddamn plug out of your ear and shove it up your ass.

~~~~~~~

Before: Ooo, I’m nauseous and vaguely vomity. I should not have drank so much last night.

After: Ooo, I’m nauseous and vaguely vomity. It must be a day that ends in “-y”.

~~~~~~~

Before: Ooo. A Popsicle. What a cool and delicious treat.

After: Eat my last Popsicle and I WILL END YOU.

~~~~~~~

Before: Hmm. Jamba Juice? Only if there’s booze in it! Ha ha ha!

After: *driving* La la la…Wait. Was that a JAMBA JUICE?!? *screeching tires, breaking glass, yowling cats sound as I u-turn* Orange Carrot Karma, I need you inside me!!!!

~~~~~~~

Before: Oh, it’s only 9:30 pm. Let’s start the movie!

After: *SNORE*

~~~~~~~

Before: Oh, it’s only 5:30 pm. Let’s run to the mall!

After: *SNORE*

~~~~~~~

Before: Oh, it’s only 12:30 pm on a Saturday. Let’s take a drive somewhere!

After: *SNORE*

~~~~~~~

Yup.  Pregnancy – 1, Alyssa – big fat stinkin’ zero.

This kid better cure cancer, otherwise we will be in a fight.

15 Comments on “Before and After”

  1. Meghan
    January 18, 2012 at 10:44 am #

    Yep. That about sums it up. I would like to say “just wait” but that would be mean and we’d be in a fight too.

    • kindofamess
      January 19, 2012 at 3:04 pm #

      Yes we would.

      But you would win. You’re scrappy.

  2. Kristy
    January 18, 2012 at 2:13 pm #

    Alyssa, I <3 you.

  3. Amy
    January 18, 2012 at 4:18 pm #

    I swear, the thing that surprised me most about pregnancy was how all consuming the exhaustion was, and how I suddenly could not put off eating without getting violently ill and wanting to kill someone.
    I tried to explain this to my husband but watching me throw up for an hour because our pizza was 45 minutes late being delivered and I had gone past *hungry* to *so hungry I must throw up all night* schooled him pretty quick.

    • kindofamess
      January 19, 2012 at 3:10 pm #

      WE HAD A PIZZA INCIDENT TOO!

      Well, sort of. I was lucky enough to not throw up. But Jethro put off ordering pizza for us one night SO LONG that it was over two hours from the time that I asked him to the time we got it. I hadn’t waited that long to eat before and I was so ill I could barely even eat, but I knew I had to. It was AWFUL.

      Now, there is no waiting for food in the Mess household. If you don’t answer when I ask you about dinner after ten minutes, I will already have a sandwich in hand.

  4. Jessica
    January 19, 2012 at 9:34 am #

    I need to send this to my husband so he learns that I’m not the only one who was like this while pregnant. It doesn’t necessarily get better, but you do get used to it and learn to plan for the chaos a little better.

    • kindofamess
      January 19, 2012 at 3:11 pm #

      You’re so right! It’s weird how now I’m like, “Oh. 10am. Must have a cheese stick or some carrots otherwise I will rip someone’s face off with my staple remover.” Oh, the things we adjust to…

  5. Laura
    January 19, 2012 at 4:31 pm #

    Oh, the all-consuming hunger… I felt pretty passionate about food before pregnancy, but now it’s darn near primal. I *may* have eaten an entire roast turkey leg at the Renaissance Faire while the mister was waiting in line for another entree.

    And the emotions? I started bawling during the wedding scene at the end of The Muppets Take Manhattan.

    • kindofamess
      January 19, 2012 at 4:41 pm #

      I NEED TO WATCH THAT AGAIN! Obviously with tissues now, but it needs to happen.
      Now I have ‘Somebody’s Getting MARRIED!!” stuck in my head…

      I could possibly destroy a turkey leg right about now…

  6. Morgan
    January 19, 2012 at 9:54 pm #

    Hopefully it will get better. My exhaustion mostly lifted around 13 weeks and until the KILLER heartburn set in around 18 weeks, I felt really good. (And then I almost stopped eating because even yogurt made me ill.) Still, one of the fun things about pregnancy is most of the symptoms don’t last forever. Might be replaced by something equally annoying (pelvic floor issues, for me) but at least it’s a change, right? Maybe?

    Eh, the image of pregnancy as a time of gentle glowing serenity is such a crock.

  7. valery
    January 27, 2012 at 9:42 am #

    hahaha YEP. All of these are dead on.

  8. Marianne @ thinksweetthings
    January 27, 2012 at 9:58 am #

    Change Jamba Juice for anything involving a chocolate chip cookie, and yup, that about sums up my life for the last couple of months!

  9. onegirloneguytwocats
    January 27, 2012 at 1:52 pm #

    Ha ha, I stumbled over from APW, and have been cracking up. Those are so completely accurate. Oh pregnancy, you’re a jerk sometimes.

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