I’m baaaacccckkkk…..

Well hello, those of you who are still reading.  I kind disappeared there for a while, huh?  I apologize, but I can’t guarentee it won’t happen again.  In fact, it probably might, because…

Yup.  That there’s a baby, unofficially known as Tater.  Okay, so it’s actually a uterus holding a baby, which is the thing on the left.  Well, we’ve been told it’s a baby.  I’m holding out for a pony.  Tater was only six weeks along right there, which is why she looks like a seahorse.  Which is almost like a pony, but not.

So yeah.  I am pregnant.  Preggers.  Knocked up.  Bun in the oven.  My eggo is preggo.  I am WITH CHILD.  (I hate that one, it creeps me out…)  Due July 24th, but that’s up in the air because I was three weeks early and my husband was three weeks late and ain’t been on time since.

Why’s this an excuse for not posting?  Because apparently for me, being pregnant is like being hungover with mono.  (But without the fun pinot grigio bender the night before…oh, pinot grigio.  I MISS YOU OLD FRIEND!!!!!)  I’m alternately nauseous or starving (occasionally both) and I’m exhausted most of the time.  I even went to work WITHOUT MAKEUP for two days.  (This may mean nothing to some of you, but those of you who have seen the array of  beauty products that coat my bathroom counter just gasped and passed out.)  So no posts.  Sorry about that.  Mostly.  Right now all I really care about is when I can get a nap.  Unless you have a grilled cheese sandwich on your person.  Then I find you fascinating.

While I do have a few fun baby related posts coming up, I can promise you that this is more than likely NOT going to even remotely resemble a “mommy blog.”  I truly respect those that have them, but in the past week I have referred to my fetus as a dick on at least four occasions.  I don’t see Parenting.com  putting me on their front page any time soon…

But yes, joking aside, we are ecstatic.  And terrified.  Mostly terrified, but in that way that you are before you go over that first dip in a roller coaster – you’re thrilled, you’re petrified, you wonder why you thought this was a good idea and you might want to throw up even as you can’t wait to go over the edge.  And although I’ll probably talk about Tater and my pregnancy a lot on here, I’ll do my best to keep it entertaining.  Cause if you can’t laugh about having to wear some sort of bra 24/7 because you’re only 13 weeks and your tits are HUGE, well that’s a world that I don’t want to live in.

But first, some ground rules for the new slight babyification of Kind of a Mess.

~~~~~~~~

Everything I know I learned from STFU Parents

1.) I will not being sharing super personal details.  I respect everyone who uses their blog/social media as a means of sharing intimate details as a way of connecting, but that’s not my thing.  Anyone who demands to know my test results must have either wiped my ass as a child or held my hair back as an adult.  You understand.

2.) I will not mommyjack conversations.  I promise that I will not on your blog and post comments like, “Oh, you think recovering from brain surgery is tough???  Now you know what it feels like to be pregnant and you get baby brain!!!  HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”  Those people suck.

3.) We might not find out what the sex is.  This drives some people BATTY.  Which in turn makes it more fun for me.  But I also am positive it’s a girl, so we might find out so I can prove Jethro wrong.  We’ll see.  I’m terrified of girls once they reach age nine and make each other cry for no reason, but boys at 15 start to smell REALLY weird so I’m not sure which one I want more.  The slight winner is girl, just so I can put her in giant poofy pageant dresses.  Not pageants, just the dresses.  SPARKLE, BABY!!!!

4.) We’re definitely not sharing the name until she’s born.  (Or he, FINE, JETHRO…)  I know way too many teachers to be able to say ANY name without at least someone shuddering and going, “Aw.  Really?”  As discussed previously, I already have strong opinions on names so I don’t need to sabotage our child with outside opinions.  Let me find out later that your neighbor’s daughter’s best friend had the same name and turned out to be a crack addicted stripper who specializes in furries.  (MOM.  DO NOT GOOGLE FURRIES.)

5.) I promise to keep the grossness to the lovely standard I’ve already established: bodily functions talked about in abstract are okay, specific instances 0r in anticipation of said act are not.

  • Acceptable:Taylor Swift as Eponine in Les Miserables makes me want to vomit.”
  • Unacceptable: “This baby makes me have to poop like WHOA.”
  • Acceptable: ‘The Kardashians make me want to sh*t in their purses.”
  • Unacceptable: “Let me tell you about this discharge I got…”

6.) This also goes for instances of former body parts, as in mucous plugs and placenta.  I’m a little crunchy, but this will be no lotus birth.  (MOM.  DO NOT GOOGLE LOTUS BIRTH.)  Also, that sonogram is the grossest picture that you’ll get.  Unless you count belly pictures, and if you do I hate you.

7.) Speaking of belly pictures, I’ve popped, but I look about a month ahead of where I actually am.  (I’m supposed to look like this, this week.  I don’t think I’ve EVER looked like that….)  And it doesn’t help that I’ve spent every day since November 13th going, “Jethro, am I getting bigger?  This wasn’t here yesterday right?” only for her response to be “You’re not bigger.”  Which translates in my head “You already had a pregnancy gut before you were pregnant,” which then makes me run off and pout and hate Jethro.  And makes Jethro glad I left the room because he can watch his flying Alaskan lobster crocodile noodling moonshine show without me.  So there might not be baby belly pictures until I am positive it’s all baby.  Right now it’s baby plus Sonic bacon cheeseburgers.

8.) You can’t always tell from my writing, but I’m a pretty warm and fuzzy.  I like hugs and puppies more than the average person, I will nom on teeny baby hands if given the chance and I’m pretty Pollyanna about life in general.  However, I’m also realistic and occasionally cynical, so  I will more than likely talk sh*t about my future child.  I’ve already told someone at work that I’m pissed Tater’s tail is gone because I’ve always wanted circus folk in the family.  I complained about the lack of crate training information in baby books to Jethro and I was mostly kidding.   I told my friend Stacey the other day that sometimes I start thinking about how much a baby is like a parasite and it freaks me out.  Know that I love this baby more than anything else in the world, but also know that I cannot be excited and ecstatic CONSTANTLY. Those people are annoying and it’s exhausting.  I’m settling for happy with occasional bouts of pissy.  That doesn’t make me a bad person (there are so many OTHER reasons) and it won’t make me a bad mother.  But it’s okay if my sh*t-talking about my child disturbs you.  It’s cool if you want to leave and if you ask nice, I’ll probably send you some links to blogs that you might like.  I am adopting Ariel of Offbeat Everything’s new stance on scolding; it’s okay to not love me.  It’s not okay to spend three misspelled paragraphs telling me why and how I need to change.  Save that for your own blog, that’s what it’s for.

~~~~~~~~

I give you these promises because, honestly, the other parents TERRIFY me and I’m scared they might find us.  (There’s a couple of you already here.  Y’all can stay.)  I’m worried that I’ll do a post on my birth plan or something, they’ll sniff it out and move in.  Things will be fine and dandy as they dole out helpful advice and positive affirmations littered with exclamation points…until I mention how I used a disposable diaper when we went for a long drive and then BAM!!!  They pounce with unsubstantiated studies, personal anecdotes and righteous indignation and treatises on how I should have CPS called on me.  So while there will be more baby content, there will also be more Sad Bastard Songs and book talks and complaining about Jethro farting.

Y’all just keep it down, maybe they won’t find us….

And on that note, I’ll leave you with how I WANTED to tell everyone about the baby.

Jethro said nah.  Spoilsport.

101 Comments on “I’m baaaacccckkkk…..”

  1. Chantal
    January 13, 2012 at 6:56 am #

    Bwahhhhhhh…….. Whew! I have been holding my breath way to long! So glad I can finally say ” yay! I’m going to be an Auntie! ” without fear of pregnant fury coming down on me. I love you and love Tater. And if you think its a girl then it its. Same thing happened with Caya. True story. The boy confused the hell out of me so no surprise there.
    I’m so excited I could puke!

    P.s. I want to come visit in June. Because I can’t wait. Sorry.

    • kindofamess
      January 13, 2012 at 11:14 am #

      Um, yes please? I’ll be fat and sweaty and cranky, but I WANT TO SEE YOU.

      And I had to let Mom tell you instead of me. She’s been busting at the seams since Thanksgiving….but I’ll call soon, yes?

  2. Heather
    January 13, 2012 at 6:58 am #

    Omgomgomgomg. Eeeekkk! And also, holy sh*t!

    • kindofamess
      January 13, 2012 at 11:15 am #

      DUDE. That was my exact response after looking at the pregnancy test.

  3. Kirsty {a safe mooring}
    January 13, 2012 at 7:02 am #

    Aw, congratulations lady!! Wonderful news. Also, best pregnancy announcement EVAR. I am down with your ground rules.

    Most important question – how is the dog taking it? Do you think she KNOWS? Inquiring minds need to know.

    • d-day
      January 13, 2012 at 7:06 am #

      Oooh good question!

      • kindofamess
        January 13, 2012 at 11:16 am #

        She’s the same, I don’t think she knows anything. She’s been hanging out pretty close by, but I think that’s because she’s needy and we’ve had less cuddles lately because LORD JESUS does her breath stink. It’s vet time…

        Although she did lay her bed on my belly, right on top of where the doctor found the heartbeat and stayed there for a while. I like to think she was listening…

        • Amy
          January 17, 2012 at 4:34 pm #

          Coolest thing I learned while pregnant? Dogs can hear the heartbeat of the fetus starting at like 15 weeks or so. My idiot cat even seemed to pick up on the fact that there is a reason I no longer have a lap, hee.

  4. d-day
    January 13, 2012 at 7:05 am #

    AAAHHHH! I started reading this post on the bus, had to pause between bus and metro and spent the whole trot down the huge escalator going “omg omg omg omg omg omg…” So exciting! I love every piece of your parenting/blogging philosophy. Looking forward to hearing whatever you want to share about baby Tater! sorry you feel crappy tho! <3

    • kindofamess
      January 13, 2012 at 11:17 am #

      Thanks! And I’m started to feel better, so YAY for almost second trimester!

      And I love that my post was pause-worthy! I’m so glad you didn’t get run over by crazy commuters though…

  5. Emily
    January 13, 2012 at 7:33 am #

    Congratulations! That’s so exciting! I hope you win the gender spat (your nail polish collection just doubled), but either way, that’s very awesome and I can’t wait to read more.

    • kindofamess
      January 13, 2012 at 11:24 am #

      Thank you! Don’t think that my little boy won’t be sporting some fun toenail polish….any excuse for me to get more polish!

  6. savychacha
    January 13, 2012 at 7:40 am #

    So exciting! You’re due about twoish weeks after my sister-in-law, who pretty much takes the same stance as you in the whole I’m gonna make off color remarks about my baby/being pregnant, but can’t wait to be a mom. I’m currently compiling the “most awesome onesies ever created”, so that come baby shower day everyone is in awe/horrified by what I have given her (zombie onesies, leg lamp onesies, Danzig onesies!!!)…you get the point.

    You’re tiny tater will be amazing, and I can’t wait to hear your fuzzy and warm with a touch of sarcasm stories! Yea!

    • kindofamess
      January 13, 2012 at 11:26 am #

      YOU ARE THE BEST AUNT!! I’m super excited about the whole dress ‘em up funny until they’re old enough to complain aspect of parenting; I gave a friend some fun onesies with comic characters on them, but inappropriate ones like The Preacher. To my credit, I did do Baby Endless from Sandman, which is kid-like unless you know the story…

  7. Erin
    January 13, 2012 at 8:02 am #

    First, I’m so glad you’re back.
    Second, I’m so glad you’re back with such fantasticawesomekickassmademyday news. YAY!!!!!
    Third, “I’m pissed Tater’s tail is gone because I’ve always wanted circus folk in the family.” I feel you, honey.

    • kindofamess
      January 13, 2012 at 11:31 am #

      Can you imagine the diaper money we could have made off of her? Honestly, I find it rude she didn’t even TRY to keep it and I plan on having a talk with her the second she comes out.

  8. Kristin
    January 13, 2012 at 8:08 am #

    CONGRATULATIONS!!!

    • kindofamess
      January 13, 2012 at 11:31 am #

      Thank you!!!! All these internet squee-ing from everybody is making me giddy. :-)

  9. Katie Jane
    January 13, 2012 at 9:03 am #

    I was just on Twitter and saw a tweet directed your way that conveyed some general excitement, and I thought – “I bet Alyssa’s knocked up! I better go check her blog!” And lo and behold – you are!! Yay! Congratulations!!

    • kindofamess
      January 13, 2012 at 11:32 am #

      Thank you!! And I know, right? She was so excited she didn’t want to wait till she could post. Those gingers, they’re so adorable…. :-)

  10. Beylit
    January 13, 2012 at 9:15 am #

    Ok so you literally make the 15th woman I know who is (or has had in the last 6 months) having a baby. It is like an epidemic. I am running out of clever ideas for baby shower gifts. I have far too many overly adorable tiny baby clothes to make. I have way too many opportunities to make Jessie ridiculously uncomfortable by insisting that he holds a baby. Give a girl a break!

    Other than that, I have to admit I squeed a little when I read this. It was early enough that only one of my next-cube neighbors were in the office to be confused and disturbed. Congratulations I am sure you and Jethro will be great parents and have an adorable baby that does not look like Eisenhower (Jessie swears all babies look like Eisenhower). And I am sure the baby won’t smell like cat food either.

    Ohh and I am glad you are back because my blog feed was sort of dull without you.

    • kindofamess
      January 13, 2012 at 11:35 am #

      THEY DO LOOK LIKE EISENHOWER….mine will be kinda brown though. Eisenhower in the Philippines?

      And you should talk to Stacey. I already got yelled at about this, she’s got friends in all kinds of stages and she’s like, “THE PREGNANCIES NEVER END.”

      My LIFE is dull without you and your cat food comments.

  11. Jo
    January 13, 2012 at 9:24 am #

    YAYYYYY!! Do you know that yesterday I thought “hmm, I hope Alyssa is okay! Haven’t heard from her blog in a while.” And today you’re better than okay!

    Huzzah for going through your pregnancy however you want to go through it and sharing however you want to share it. MOAR individualism, please! It’s good to see people do things their own way. And if people hate, I’ll cut ‘em.

    • kindofamess
      January 13, 2012 at 11:36 am #

      Thank you!

      And y’all hear that?? No hatin’, I got Jo willin’ to shiv a bitch…..

      • Caitlin
        January 18, 2012 at 3:12 pm #

        this thread is awesome. that is all.

        except YAY TATER!

  12. craftosaurus
    January 13, 2012 at 9:25 am #

    Oh my goodness, congratulations!

  13. Maggie
    January 13, 2012 at 9:30 am #

    WHOA. Congratulations!!!

    Also, ohmygod, you make me laugh SO HARD. I love your ground rules.

    • kindofamess
      January 13, 2012 at 11:43 am #

      I’m thinking they need their own page at the top. Just so when they are violated (even by me,) people can just point and shake their head disapprovingly…

  14. Michelle
    January 13, 2012 at 9:42 am #

    Congrats x 1000! Would it be anti-your-blog-philosophy to say SHIT JUST GOT REAL? In any case, happy pregnancy to you and best of luck!

    (Also if I were your mom I would totally just google those things out of spite. Fortunately for everyone, I am not your mom.)

    • kindofamess
      January 13, 2012 at 11:45 am #

      Not at all! Although, it still feels a little unreal…I think once I feel a kick I’ll be all “Y’ALL. OH MY GOD….” I promise a post when it does. :-)

      And you Google at your own risk. I take no responsibility….

  15. happysighs
    January 13, 2012 at 9:46 am #

    SO EFFING EXCITEDDDD. and i wholeheartedly love your ground rules.

    but also. if you DO wanna complain about weird discharges and junk, i’m your girl. ;)

    • kindofamess
      January 13, 2012 at 11:46 am #

      YES M’AM. Don’t think there won’t be those emails. If you get one with the subject line, “Ummmmm….” you might want to be prepared.

      • meghan
        January 14, 2012 at 12:01 am #

        Congrats. Yay. A new member to the club. The club of sleep deprived crazy ladies. And Liz totally sent me those emails.

  16. elissa
    January 13, 2012 at 9:47 am #

    This has to be the funniest post about pregnancy I’ve ever read! I appreciate the lack of mommyjacking and intimate details. Congratulations!!

    • kindofamess
      January 13, 2012 at 11:47 am #

      Mommyjacking is RUDE. Please call me on it if I do.

      And thank you!! :-)

  17. pinchofthis
    January 13, 2012 at 9:59 am #

    Thank you for linking to STFU parents. My day is now shot.

    Sorry you’re feeling crappy. So excited for you guys!!

    • kindofamess
      January 13, 2012 at 11:47 am #

      I totally lost an entire day to that site too. It’s only fair I should share the lack of productivity.

      And thank you!

  18. Moz
    January 13, 2012 at 10:04 am #

    Frick yeah excellent! Congrats! xxx

  19. Kristy
    January 13, 2012 at 10:14 am #

    Congratulations! I’m so excited for you & Jethro. (How *is* Maggie taking it? Does she know anything is up yet?)

    Also, I totally hear you on the terrified bit. I’m perfectly content with living vicariously through others right now (especially my SIL because she lives 5 minutes away and my littlest niece is the squidgey-est baby ever) because the thought of having my own permanent addition freaks me out a little. (I don’t think that’s a bad thing, though, and it doesn’t mean we don’t want babies eventually. But they’re PERMANENT. And that’s kind of HUGE.)

    So glad you’re doing well, and I hope the nausea goes away soon soon. xoxoxoxoxo

    • kindofamess
      January 13, 2012 at 11:50 am #

      Yeah, the permanence is scary. I mean, what if she *is* a dick? Then I’m stuck with loving her for forever!!

      And Maggie’s good, no real changes in her super-clingy self. We’ll see though, we have a plan on introducing her an getting her acclimated, but I hope it goes well. She IS my first baby…

  20. annacharlotte
    January 13, 2012 at 10:49 am #

    Congratulations!!! And also, I incorrectly assumed that since I am not your mother, it was okay for ME to google lotus births. Boy was I wrong. Yuck. In a BOWL?

    • kindofamess
      January 13, 2012 at 12:02 pm #

      I KNOW. I totally get why it’s done and really respect that, but I just couldn’t. I WISH I were more in tune with nature and my body, but I’m just not.

      But it does feel like it should in something more…sacred, I guess? Maybe they make special lotus birth bowls? Are we missing out on a golden marketing opportunity?

  21. happysighs
    January 13, 2012 at 10:50 am #

    oh, AND? the nauseous-while-hungry is THE WORST. i want to eat, but everything makes me feel sick?! TORTUROUS.

    pretty sure i spent the entire first 3mos at ruby tuesday’s all you can eat salad bar.

    • kindofamess
      January 13, 2012 at 12:03 pm #

      All you can eat salad bar? Dear God, why did I not think to go to one of those?!?!?

      Now I know where I want to go this weekend…..

  22. Robin HitchDied
    January 13, 2012 at 10:54 am #

    Hi! I don’t think I’ve ever commented before but I wanted to say, a) Congratulations on the wonderful news b) Your rules for kinda sorta Mommy blogging should be gospel c) But If’n I ever have my own spawn I will probably break them like crazy

    Oh, and D) The great thing about not sharing the sex of the baby is that people can’t gender program your fetus. But people get ASTONISHINGLY TESTY about being denied the opportunity to gender program your fetus. So I’m thinking if that day comes for me and my partner, we might just lie, and end up with a ‘Lil Slugger Girl or a Pretty Princess Boy. EAT IT, GENDER BINARY.

    • kindofamess
      January 13, 2012 at 12:13 pm #

      OH, THE BREAKING! Not the physical so much, but the emotional…what if they don’t find me funny? Am I gonna be the mom that embarrasses them in the carpool lane?!?
      Part of me thinks that would be hilarious, though.

      And the gender thing is most of the reason why we might not tell, because OMFG. Also, it’s not foolproof. Tell that to my co-worker who was told she was having a boy and out popped a beautiful little girl, who now lives in a lovely blue cowboy room. Which is actually awesome….

  23. Ceej
    January 13, 2012 at 10:58 am #

    Hoorayz! You’re due the day after my birthday and I was 3 wks early too!! Also I already resent my future kids. And love them. But I have to physically stop what I’m doing several times per week to be annoyed at my hypothetical babies and how they’re going to ruin my life. Seriously. I probably shouldn’t post that online I guess. Oh well.

    • kindofamess
      January 13, 2012 at 12:16 pm #

      I had to stop referring to Tater as the hypothetical baby. Once you hear a heartbeat, it feels mean.

      And no shame in posting. I’ve missed two major APW events AND can’t go to my niece’s graduation because of this kid. She better cure cancer or something….

  24. Emily
    January 13, 2012 at 11:05 am #

    Hey woah congratulations! That’s great – and I’m glad you’re back!

  25. Chris C.
    January 13, 2012 at 11:07 am #

    YAY! Congrats! And from a non-parent who hopes to someday be a parent, thank you for deciding to not to post the gross stuff. I always fear that if I hear too much of that crap before I get knocked up, I’m never going to have sex again. I’d rather not know until it’s too late :-)

    • kindofamess
      January 13, 2012 at 12:18 pm #

      DUDE, I’m the direct opposite. i want ALL the gory details, so I’m not like, “WHAT IS THAT?!?!? AM I DYING?!?!”

      You change your mind, let me know. I got some links that will make you need a brain cleanse.

  26. kerrylanigan
    January 13, 2012 at 11:34 am #

    Amazing news. And if you continue to write about pregnancy and babies the way you write about everything else, I will continue to love it to pieces!

    • kindofamess
      January 13, 2012 at 12:18 pm #

      Aww, that is the best compliment ever! Thank you!!!

  27. Laura
    January 13, 2012 at 12:02 pm #

    Congratulations! I look forward to hearing how things are going, however you choose to share. Hope you see an end to the nausea and fatigue soon! Oh — and I love that your nickname for the baby is Tater.

    Amen to not sharing the name(s) until your baby is born. Just like with gender, it seems like everybody and their dog wants to know, but people I’ve encountered generally seem to be pretty cool about it if you say, “We’re keeping it a surprise.” Then you can casually drop hints about how you guys are just mad about names like Brunhilde and Aloysius.

    • kindofamess
      January 13, 2012 at 12:20 pm #

      Thank you! I’ve been threatening my parents for YEARS with naming their grandkid something stupid, just to embarrass them.
      Who’s laughin’ NOW, Mom, HUH?!?

      • carol yarde
        January 15, 2012 at 9:32 am #

        You can name them whatever you want, they will be living with you! I will guarantee that I will spoil your babies to no end. I will sneak in that third snickerdoodle in the back seat while you’re reading directions at a red light on your phone. I most definitely will buy them that ugly oufit they beg for,(that mommy convinced them they wouldn’t be able to wear to school cause someone might make fun of them in it) and I will proudly take photos and share them on facebook and everywhere else! I will also tell lyssa stories when theyre old enough to appreciate the humor in them. Love ya bunches, Tater!

  28. Sharon
    January 13, 2012 at 12:05 pm #

    YAAAAAY! CONGRATULATIONS, ALYSSA!

    I will be completely honest and say part of my happiness is selfish because now I’ll have another funny, down to earth, practical mom voice in my life. Maybe babies will become less scary! Even if not, it will be hilarious! Everyone wins!

    • kindofamess
      January 13, 2012 at 12:23 pm #

      Yay, I hope I help! But babies will ALWAYS be scary. Especially when they’re new…I mean, that wobbly head thing?!?! IT TERRIFIES ME…I’m always afraid it’s gonna fall off and roll across the damn floor….

    • Jenny- Adventures Along the Way
      January 27, 2012 at 7:12 pm #

      Me too! And congrats Alyssa!! I cracked up at #7 and read it to my husband and he thought it was funny too!

  29. kc
    January 13, 2012 at 12:10 pm #

    Congratulations! That was the most awesome baby announcement post ever.

  30. KA (@DiscerningD)
    January 13, 2012 at 1:16 pm #

    AAH, CONGRATULATIONS!!! First off, do not apologize for not writing enough, because then I feel obligated to apologize for not reading enough and missing out on your hilariousness is really its own punishment there. And secondly, if this post is any indication, yours may be the only blog ever I am even more excited to read now that there’s a baby in it. Thank you (and Liz too, really) for blazing the trail for those of us who are terrified of the possibility of one day being sucked into overenthusiastic “mommydom.”

    And can we talk more about babies as parasites? Cause seriously, I just can’t get past that. It all seems so…intrusive of them. Little fuckers.

  31. nikki
    January 13, 2012 at 3:01 pm #

    hahaha the “with child” made me think of Bridget Jones 2 when she and Mark Darcy are taking a foreign minibreak and she tries to describe she needs a pregnancy test by saying “I am… mit bebe? Possiblay?”

  32. ElfPuddle
    January 13, 2012 at 7:08 pm #

    YAY!!!
    *thows glitter and confetti and NOT baby powder around the whole freaking place*

    I’m so excited for you! And jealous. But mostly excited.

    I’m absolutely cool with all the rules, and you’re welcome to email me when you need to break them.

    Also, I shall closely skirt one of them now. I want to volunteer a name for Tater: Pollyanna Esther. I shall call her Polyester. Can I? :)

    And now I shall be good and not skirt any more rules.

    I’ll even volunteer to clean up the glitter and confetti….when you take Maggie to the vet. I don’t want to give the poor puppy vacuum jitters.

  33. Mary
    January 13, 2012 at 7:31 pm #

    OMG MY JAW LITERALLY FELL OPEN. CONGRATULATIONS ALYSSA!!!!!!!!!!!!! This seriously makes my day! :D

  34. Trisha
    January 13, 2012 at 8:18 pm #

    Oh Alyssa! I’m so excited for you! Yay, yay, yay! Congratulations to you and Jethro!

  35. Becky Mochaface
    January 13, 2012 at 8:29 pm #

    Congratulations! How exciting. Kids really are parasites. Until they can at least start doing some serious chores like get mommy a new glass of wine. Which is why my favorite term of endearment for kids is crotch parasites. (I stole that from Aunt Becky of Mommy Wants Vodka).

  36. lyn
    January 13, 2012 at 11:15 pm #

    I’m so happy for you! And honestly, I’m happy to be able to learn from your example. We have our own babymaking timeline approaching in the next year, so I will be taking copious notes.

    Also: who DOESN’T want to talk sh*t about their children? Anybody who is positive and ecstatic all the time is frankly kind of scary. You get that sass on and tell that baby what’s what when you need to, lady.

    Yay!

  37. francine
    January 13, 2012 at 11:56 pm #

    eeeeee!!!! congratulations!!! (:

  38. Meg
    January 14, 2012 at 12:09 am #

    Yes. YES! More yesses.

  39. Kim
    January 14, 2012 at 1:57 am #

    That is an awful comparison guide for what your body should look like week to week! That woman is freakishly thin! I’m 18 weeks along and everyone keeps telling me I don’t look pregnant at all, but I’m still bigger than her. Where do they find these people??

  40. Sophia
    January 14, 2012 at 12:13 pm #

    Oh man, all my online peeps are currently knocked up or With Infant…is that phrase less creepy when it means they’re actually with a physical child, because it’s popped out of them? Probably not.

    I am going to be the Worst Parent Ever, from the scary parent-blogger (and cultural norm) point of view. I’m so glad you are too. It will make it less scary and more awesome.

    Oh, right, and CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE A WEIRD ALIEN PARASITE THING! :D :D :D

  41. Ms. Bunny
    January 15, 2012 at 5:43 pm #

    Yaaaaaaay! Congratulations lady! I thought I posted by love on Friday, but it turns out I forgot to actually comment. So please know that the fact that this is belated does not mean I am any less excited about your news. Also, count me in with the other folks who have been wondering where you’ve been. So glad you’ve been away because of good news!

  42. Katjamichelle
    January 15, 2012 at 7:33 pm #

    Congratulations!!!

  43. lizzie
    January 16, 2012 at 6:01 pm #

    AGAIN. 1000 TIMES. CONGRATUFUCKINGLATIONS. You are going to kick being a mom’s ass in the face. It’s gonna be the best. I’m here to babysit! Teach him/her swearwords…slip rum in his/her bottle…you know. The usual.

  44. Natalie
    January 17, 2012 at 2:20 pm #

    Ahhhh!!!! You are going to be the coolest Mom ever!

  45. Jenny
    January 17, 2012 at 4:11 pm #

    Ok, I’m a few days late, but CONGRATULATIONS! :-) How exciting!

    (totally having baby fever over here….aaaaah!)

  46. Amy
    January 17, 2012 at 4:40 pm #

    That is so exciting! Congratulations! I can’t wait to read your take on the weirdness (because truly, it is super weird) that is pregnancy.

  47. onesoul
    January 18, 2012 at 1:02 pm #

    Congratulations! So happy for you guys! And bring on the awesome posts. Because, hello? You totally are kind of growing an alien inside you. ;)

    Also, I am definitely using that last photo as my pregnancy announcement when the time comes. Thank goodness my husband doesn’t read my blog so has no say in the matter at all.

  48. Torie
    January 18, 2012 at 2:28 pm #

    Hey there fertile mertyl (I’ve just realised I don’t know how to spell mertyl ho hum)
    CONGRATULATIONS
    and talking sh*t about your future child is totally acceptable

  49. Jessica
    January 18, 2012 at 4:37 pm #

    Congratulations! Usually a lurker, but such good news (and hilarity) mandates coming out of the bushes. It’ll be a great adventure, that’s for sure. I just had my first 5 months ago (we didn’t find out the sex either – totally fun and I would do it again!) and I still remember all of those feelings in the first trimester. Good luck and awesome baby announcement! I’m looking forward to hearing about things (you know, in that whole Internet – feel like you know someone way).

  50. Morgan
    January 19, 2012 at 9:50 pm #

    Oh, what a lovely thing to find out! (Sorry, belated, was on a (gag) babymoon in Mexico. Highly recommend, gaggy name aside.)

    I kind of love not knowing the sex. Far more fun games to play with each other. (It’s a boy! No, it’s a girl!)

    Also, ignore the belly shots on that website. ALL LIES. Also, I recommend, if you haven’t found it yet, Alpha Mom’s pregnancy calendar. Funny, honest, and actually talks about the big stuff.

    Yay, babies!

    • Jennifer
      January 27, 2012 at 12:43 pm #

      Ooh, thanks for mentioning Alpha Mom’s pregnancy calendar. I hadn’t seen that before!

  51. Josephine
    January 24, 2012 at 3:00 pm #

    Congratulations! I think you’ll be a cool mum, though clearly having never met you it is quite weird that I am commenting at all. And yet I am happy for you, the internet is a weird thing.

    V amusing post. Glad no-one will have to do an L-word style intervention on you.

    I can think of no relevant Patty Griffin songs. I’m sure Celine had some relevant stuff on the Anne Geddes album but that was too sickly even for me. So I shall leave you songless, but good luck.

    (Today has been a long and random day, involving accompanying a pregnant woman to hospital, she was worried she was going into early labour. she wasn’t thankfully. She was at a work event I organised, I’d never met her. So if this post is too random, I blame it on prolonged exposure to pregnancy hormones!)

  52. Zan
    January 26, 2012 at 7:26 pm #

    MAZEL TOV!!! (late to the party, as ever)

  53. carrie
    January 27, 2012 at 8:22 am #

    I’m very late, but I just read the news at APW – CONGRATS!!!!

  54. valery
    January 27, 2012 at 8:44 am #

    Hi! Never read your blog before, followed the link from APW, but love this post and your ground rules. I’m due July 21st! And completely feel you about the no-belly-pic-yet… I even hate when people mention whether or not I’m showing. Please let ME decide when I’m showing and when it’s not just a donut-fueled gut. Also, that link to the model bellys on babble.com is ridiculous. Well, congratulations!! :)

  55. Lizz
    January 27, 2012 at 9:50 am #

    Just looked at the photos on that pregnancy sites to see how I compared when pregnant – she is ridiculous! I looked like her 40 week picture at 25 weeks!

    For comparison – a normal person!!

    http://evenstarx.blogspot.com/search/label/Bump

    • valery
      January 27, 2012 at 1:21 pm #

      Thank you so much for sharing. So much more realistic. The babble.com site was depressing. Thanks again

  56. Ashley // Our Little Apartment
    January 27, 2012 at 11:18 am #

    YAY! Congrats. Babies are great.

    I think you need to revisit this post when you have the baby. ;)

    I swore up and down and left and right that I wouldn’t be a mommy blogger. And I sure as hell am NOT, but I do blog about my baby and parenting fairly regularly – I mean, it’s a HUGE part of my life and identity now! How could I not?! ;)

    I am still me, but now! With a cute baby sidekick. Ha.

    xo

  57. kayakgirl73
    January 27, 2012 at 12:12 pm #

    Congrats.

  58. Jennifer
    January 27, 2012 at 12:39 pm #

    I am another one who is late with the congratulations because I found out from the APW link today – congratulations! Our baby’s due on May 24th, so clearly the 24th of a month is the cool kid due date.

    I also concur on the hangover-like experience — at this point that seems to have settled down, but there was a good month there where every day I had such a hangover feeling, I could almost have convinced myself it was spring of my junior year of college all over again.

  59. Txtingmrdarcy
    January 27, 2012 at 12:57 pm #

    Came over from APW to say Congratulations!! Couldn’t be happier for you, and you are clearly going to be the most awesome pregnant blogger ever. (If this post is any indication, as it had me snorting in my cube and trying to disguise them as coughs.)

  60. Sara Koz
    January 27, 2012 at 2:28 pm #

    YAAAAAAAYYYY!! The first APW staff baby. Que fun.

    So what it sounds like is that you’re trying to be preggers-slash-have a baby amongst the fear-slash-global takeover of the internet by mommy bloggers the way the rest of us on APW are trying to wed while surrounded by the all-powerful WIC?

    Sounds like you’ve got the experience to figure it out.

  61. Kate
    January 30, 2012 at 9:41 am #

    Congratulations Alyssa! Saw the link on APW Friday, little Tater is going to be one lucky kid. And on a side note, our kids will be pretty close together, I’m due on 7/27 :)

    And I’m totally with you, I was nauseous all day, every day, for a month. Which can I just tell you did not rock my world commuting in DC traffic. Here’s to working from home!

  62. Another Emma
    January 30, 2012 at 6:12 pm #

    I can’t believe I missed this! Stupid honeymoons and their lack of internet connection! Haha. Big big congratulations Alyssa. This is a pregnancy that I know I will enjoy reading about!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. I am already a bad mother. | Kind of a Mess - February 8, 2012

    [...] I’m baaaacccckkkk….. (kindofamess.com) [...]

  2. The agony of defeat | Kind of a Mess - March 1, 2012

    [...] It wasn’t until about ten minutes before that I hit a calm-my old friend theatre zen. When I was acting, I’d get crazy nervous the day of the show until right before my entrance when my body would go, “Well. Ain’t sh*t we can do now, whatever’s gonna happen is gonna happen. Let’s do this damn thing.” I missed you, theatre zen. You kept me from pooping my pants on stage lots of times. (Don’t worry, that reference is keeping in line with my baby mama promises.) [...]

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