So I did something awesome a little while back. While walking to lunch on campus, I somehow missed bringing my foot all the way up on the a curb and tripped. Now, this would have just been embarrassing if I hadn’t:
A) Been in the middle of the quad at lunch
B) Been unable to catch myself with my hands and landed on my face
C) Had my mouth open as I fell.
I got the unique opportunity to watch the ground rise up and punch me in the DAMNED FACE. I was about a foot to the right of the sidewalk so I landed on the grass, and we’d gotten some rain so that when I went teeth-first into the ground, my incisors chomped up wet grass and not concrete or bone dry dirt.
So, I walked back into my building and picked dirt out of my teeth. (Not kidding. Thank God I carry a toothbrush.) Luckily I’m not an insecure teen anymore, so I walked right back out there, past the same people who saw me fall and got my lunch. Because it was an accident, it’s not a big deal and I probably won’t even see half those people ever again. Also, nothing comes between a thick girl and her Cold Cut Combo.
2. Giant Eyes
Okay, this started early for me, before it got super popular. You remember that Soundgarden video from the 90′s “Black Hole Sun”? It was the sh*t when it came out, but it scared the BEJEEZUS out of me. All those elongated body parts and crazy eyes and AHHH!! I hate it. But before, all I had to do was ignore the video and my life would be fine. Soundgarden is fairly creepy anyway, even if Chris Cornell is hot in a way your momma warned you about.
However, now there is a proliferation of “Twisted Whiskers” cards and books and posters that feature animals photoshopped to hell and back so that they look like their eyes are the size of dinner plates and OH MY LORD IT IS SO EFFED UP! Why are their eyes so big? WHO thinks that is cute? And they have a TV SHOW or something?? Why is that funny? That’s not funny, that’s HORRIFYING!!!!
I give you this as an example, but it PAINS me to do so.
WHY, Y’ALL?? WHYYYY?!?
Also? Jethro finds this hilarious, so he’s bought me two of their greeting cards AND a plush doll we call Mr. Peepers.
He’s a terrible person.
I use Mr. Peepers as my defense system, if I have one of their own near me as I sleep, they can’t haunt my dreams.
3. Prius commercial
Going with my “WTF, world?!?” theme, there’s this Prius commercial. I present it with little commentary, other than the promise that I will never ever own a Prius just because of this commercial. The only thing that makes me turn the TV faster is that ASPCA commercial with Sarah McLachlan.
4. My inability to break up with Grey’s Anatomy
Okay. This is hard to admit, but I have watched Grey’s Anatomy since it started. I fell in love with George and Cristina and Mere and the whole gang, especially Izzie. (Katherine Heigl before she got annoying.)
I watched through it all, even though they KILLED my favorite character, Denny. (Seriously, when he died, I thought I would have to take a personal day. I was bereft.) Somewhere along the line I stopped, mostly around season 5 or something. I was fine, good even. Life went on.
The problem is, this little show called Private Practice started up. Now, I don’t know if you know this, but Taye Diggs is my second husband, as soon as those pesky polygamy laws go away. I love him. LOVE. So when I found out he had a new show, I was intrigued. Then I found out that Audra McDonald would be on there and since she is on my list of people I wish I could be, I was even more interested. THEN I found out that Tim Daly was going to be in the cast and that sealed it for me. Because Tim Daly has been my secret boyfriend since he was a stuffy pilot on Wings. (Taye knows. It’s okay. So does Jethro. He’s not psyched.)
Thing is, Private Practice is a spin-off of Grey’s Anatomy and it airs directly after. I was still able to resist Grey’s siren song, despite always catching the last two minutes on my DVR, but I was strong. I did not need Grey’s to be happy.
THEN, the crossover episode came. And in order to find out what was going on, I had to watch Grey’s. And suddenly, like an alcoholic who sips some champagne at a wedding and then goes on a bender two days later, I was hooked again. Hooked, but good. *sigh*
And it’s not a big deal. It’s just a TV show. But the problem is that after it’s over, I am always a giant snotty mess. Seriously, there are car crashes and brain tumors and mommies giving up their lives for their children and screws tearing open hearts babies dying and cancer and Jesus H. tap-dancing Christ, it’s ROUGH, Y’ALL.
Almost weekly, Jethro walks into the living room and finds me heaving and sobbing on the couch and always asks, “Why do you STILL watch this show?!?” and I invariably respond with a “Be*SOB*cause, *SNIFF* it’s *SOB* so *HEAVE* gooooood!!! WAHHH!!!”
It’s a problem.
My name is Alyssa and I’m a Grey’s Anatomy addict.
Lord help me.
5. My hair right now
My hair is STUPID right now and I hate it. I need a haircut but I dread them like I dread going to the dentist; I know it needs to be done and I’ll be happy I did but it is SUCH A DRAG. My favorite stylist is my best friend’s cousin in Fort Worth and as much as I love him, it’s a beating to drive there for a cut. Plus, he’s crazy popular, I probably wouldn’t get an appointment.
I’m really just whining now. And I know none of y’all care. Well, four of you care, but that’s because you’re sweet. The rest of you is wondering when I’m going to start talking about Jethro farting and or post a picture of Maggie. But it’s my blog and I get to whine if I want to. They can’t all be funny, people!!
But seriously, I need a haircut.