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Maggie and the Inappropriate Doggie Treat

Note: I apologize in advance for this.  While this post’s language will edited to be work-safe, the content might teeter on the line.  You’ve been warned.  Also, if you’re related to me (by blood or marriage) I apologize again and I ask that you don’t tell Grammy I wrote this.

This is my Moo.

She’s just had a haircut, hence the sad puppy face.

Anyway, I have a problem with constantly picking up treats at the store for Maggie.  I adjust her food accordingly so she doesn’t gain weight (okay, fine when I remember…) but I want to stuff her with treaty goodness constantly just as a reward for being SO DAMNED ADORABLE.  At one point she had more variety in the cupboard than we did; does a 25lb dog REALLY need four different kinds of organic peanut butter biscuits?

Yes.  Because she’s our schmoopy widdle lovey stinkpot.

Maggie has grody breath and needs something extra to help with her teeth, however she won’t chew on things.  Unless it is tasty and can eventually end up in her belly, she refuses to gnaw on pretty much anything.  Plus Jethro, having worked as a vet tech, is picky about what she eats.  (Don’t get him started on Nylabones or rawhide.)  Add to that a certain gastrointestinal incident after a week of one mini-Greenies a night, and our choices are rather limited.

While perusing Target one day, as I am wont to do, I picked up something called a bully sticks by Boots & Barkley.  It sorta looked like a spiral of hard beef jerky for dogs, and since jerky is Maggie’s favorite treat (and mine) I thought it might be good for her.  Also, the brand name is super cute and I am marketing’s slave.

The treats are about 6 inches long so I snapped one in half and gave it to Maggie.  It was pretty brittle; her chowing down on it was loud and a big disconcerting, but she looooved it.  So much so that I gave her the other half.  While she was on her doggie bed, happily snarfing away, I read the back of the package.

“100% beef pizzle.”

Suddenly, my Shakespeare spidery-sense started tingling.  Why does “pizzle” sound familiar?

Oh.  Yeah.  That’s why.

Yup.  I gave my dog bull d*ck.

Now, this doesn’t faze me that bad, because I know what’s in Maggie’s food is much more gross than beef pizzle.  Still, there is kind of tactile-induced general EWWW! about it.  However, my inner 12-year-old boy rejoiced. Because he immediately realized to things.

“Heh heh.  P*nis.” 
“Jethro is gonna HATE this.”

Jethro isn’t squeamish per se; it’s just that while I’m more likely to poke at something with a stick, he’s more likely to stand by and go, “Seriously?  You’re gonna catch something.  Seriously, put the stick DOWN.”  He deals with all sorts of grossness on a daily basis in his job as an environmental scientist so when faced with ick at home, he’d rather not.  Which means I try to gross him out at every opportunity.

Plus, this opens the door to THOUSANDS of d*ck jokes.

Immediately, when Jethro got home, I handed him the package. 

“Look what I got Maggie!”

“More treats?  She’s gonna get fat.”

“Look what it is!”

“It’s bully sticks.  They’re….awww, gross, Ally.”

*cue manic giggling from me*

I then proceeded to show him how much Maggie loves her bully sticks and to make every p*nis joke I could possibly think of.  I won’t repeat them here, but they were about as classy as you’d expect.  And HILARIOUS.  If you’re crude like me. 

There might have even been an interpretive dance involved.

Jethro has now resigned himself to this and just ignores me now when I call in a baby voice, “MAGGIE!  You want some p*nis?  Who wants some p*nis?  My widdle baby girl wants some P*NIS?!?”  I still find it hilarious.   I tried to get her to come to me when I holler out “P*NIS!!!” but it was slow-going and I lost interest.  Plus, the first night I did it she slept downstairs all night, which she only does when she’s mad at us, so I think she’s on to me and is NOT AMUSED.

But Maggie really does love them.  She only gets half a bully stick every few days so I don’t know that they help her breath as much as I want (heh, d*ck breath) but it’s her new favorite.  She’s not food aggressive at all, yet the first time I tried to take one away from her, she growled at me under her breath.  I was horrified.  We put a stop to that and she’s better, but we learned a valuable lesson that day.

Maggie loves the p*nis.

 GIVE ME THE BULLY STICK AND NOBODY GETS HURT.

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32 Comments on “Maggie and the Inappropriate Doggie Treat”

  1. Army Amy
    October 3, 2011 at 12:47 pm #

    Your dog is precious, even if she does eat private parts!*

    • kindofamess
      October 3, 2011 at 2:43 pm #

      Thank you! We love her, despite her terrible eating habits. :-)

  2. ElfPuddle
    October 3, 2011 at 12:52 pm #

    Back in the days when I was regularly teaching Senior English, we did Henry IV, Part I instead of the usual Scottish Play (I taught on the rez and what my students did NOT need was rebellion and murder…they needed bad kids turning into good adults). They loved it! I taught them stage-fencing, answered honestly when they didn’t get the dirty jokes, and they called the freshmen pizzles….which only made the freshmen more anxious to “finally” get into my class. (I was the only Junior and Senior English teacher, so it isn’t like they had a choice.)

    Thank you for the good memories, Alyssa!

    I don’t care what Jethro thinks; this is damn funny and I needed it today!

    • kindofamess
      October 3, 2011 at 2:47 pm #

      Oh, stage combat…I did it once for a show and while it was a comedy so I didn’t have to be great for it, it was still a lot of nerve-wracking fun! I wish I’d had an English teacher who would have let us do that!!!

      I also wish I’d had a teacher who tailored the cirriculum to their students like that, that’s AMAZING. Major kudos to you!!!

  3. Jen
    October 3, 2011 at 12:53 pm #

    I gave Murphy one of these this weekend too. however, I was not so smart to break it in half first. He chewed on one end of it for about 15 minutes and then he SWALLOWED THE ENTIRE THING.

    About a half hour later he threw it up, but yes….there have MANY inappropriate jokes made at his expense.

    • kindofamess
      October 3, 2011 at 2:49 pm #

      The ones I got look more like greasy (ew) rawhide sticks, but they were HARD to break. I had to take one away from her because she wasn’t able to crunch it well and I was worried she’d just choke it down…

      Poor Murphy! You sure he didn’t upchuck as revenge for the inappropriate joking? ;-)

      • Jen
        October 3, 2011 at 4:13 pm #

        choke it down. tee hee..

        • kindofamess
          October 3, 2011 at 4:21 pm #

          And here I was worried when I posted this that someone would be offended,

          I should have known better. Y’all are MY PEOPLE!!!!

  4. carol yarde
    October 3, 2011 at 1:02 pm #

    Shocked..while giggling in my mind! :-)

    • kindofamess
      October 3, 2011 at 2:50 pm #

      FIGURES, the ONE post you read ON TIME, MOM…. *sigh*

  5. Beylit
    October 3, 2011 at 1:07 pm #

    I now have to go buy these for Rogue so I can taunt Jessie. Brilliant.

    Ohh and that is one damn cute puppy.

    • kindofamess
      October 3, 2011 at 3:03 pm #

      There is no end to the hilarity. NONE.

  6. d-day
    October 3, 2011 at 1:37 pm #

    baaahahahahahah oh man. this was awesome.

    I wish I had asked Jethro before buying rawhide chews. or, I mean, I should have asked my own husband. I bought some and brought them home and zach was like “oh those are really bad for dogs I think..?” we let brady chew on one for like 30 seconds and then I got paranoid and took it away from him, and never gave him another one again. I also couldn’t bring myself to just throw away the whole bag, so it’s still sitting there, a year later… but seriously why do pet stores sell these things?

    • kindofamess
      October 3, 2011 at 3:05 pm #

      Freecycle that mess! Some people like giving it to their dogs, but Jethro has be completely paranoid about stuff. He has some HORROR stories from working at the vet’s office and at a city shelter. That’s why we got a rescue dog, people are AWFUL.

  7. Guess Who ;)
    October 3, 2011 at 1:49 pm #

    LOL. This is hilarious… who knew that’s what those things were made of?!?

    And that last line… well, it’s cracking me up, considering [REDACTED]. ;)

  8. Guess Who ;)
    October 3, 2011 at 1:49 pm #

    …and I oh-so-smartly just outed myself from your awkward post. Hahaha.

    • kindofamess
      October 3, 2011 at 3:04 pm #

      Nope, I fixed it! Now everyone will be wondering what wonderful thing you said before I took it out all military-style….

      • Guess Who ;)
        October 4, 2011 at 1:11 pm #

        Love it!

  9. Cass
    October 3, 2011 at 6:15 pm #

    “MAGGIE! You want some p*nis? Who wants some p*nis? My widdle baby girl wants some P*NIS?!?”

    If you start calling this out too loudly, your neighbours are going to get mighty worried…

    • kindofamess
      October 3, 2011 at 6:39 pm #

      Oh. Ew, gross…

      Noted.

    • ElfPuddle
      October 3, 2011 at 7:45 pm #

      bwahahaha!

      and eeewww

  10. Kristy
    October 3, 2011 at 10:29 pm #

    Baaahahahahahahaha. I started reading, laughed too much, and had to go back and read it out loud so DJ could see what was so funny. I don’t know how much was him laughing at me for laughing so much, but seriously. Hysterical.

  11. Erin
    October 4, 2011 at 10:28 am #

    Can’t believe I didn’t see this till this morning. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA. That is all.

  12. Magpie
    October 4, 2011 at 3:50 pm #

    Bahahahahaaaa!!!!! I knew where this was going at the first mention of “Bully Sticks” because the whole thing unfolded at our house in much the same manner. (The dog loves him some dick. Who knew?)

    And because I was a scientist whose research subject was *ahem* gonads at the time, people got both the dick jokes and nerd-it-up-nerd!! monologs on how “isn’t it weird how many animals have an actual BONE in their boner? Or in the case of bulls, cartilage, but you know, it’s still kind of weird, or maybe very normal if you think about it – I mean, what’s up with the inflatable variety that humans have been sporting, right?”

    Don’t even get me started on duck penises. I’m serious.

    • Magpie
      October 4, 2011 at 5:56 pm #

      Oh I am a terrible person…you just clicked over to my blog to learn more about duck penises, didn’t you? I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.

      I have not written about duck penises at the new digs, but I promise I will rectify (that word always makes me giggle) this situation in the near future, or at the very least, point you to some other scientists who have already written some amazing stuff about duck penises.

      (Also, you are going to start getting the weirdest google search terms that lead people to this blog since you wrote this post.)

      • kindofamess
        October 5, 2011 at 12:58 pm #

        I am appalled at the lack of duck penis on your blog.

        DUCK PENIS, DUCK PENIS, DUCK PENIS.

        (We are gonna SEO the HELL out of this bitch….)

  13. ducksandbooks
    October 4, 2011 at 5:15 pm #

    awesome. also, I think she looks like like an otter in that first photo :)

    • kindofamess
      October 5, 2011 at 12:58 pm #

      SHE DOES! And because you said that I spent all yesterday calling her Otter Pop and confusing her with yet another nickname. I love it! :-)

  14. Virginia
    October 5, 2011 at 8:41 am #

    The hubs and I are about to get our first dog (waiting until she’s old enough to come home with us), and we’ve been cramming with training books and Cesar Milan reruns — he loves him some bully sticks! (insert rim shot here)
    I can’t wait to bring some home…the man I married loves dick jokes more than I do, although considering the fact that he already bought our puppy a BRIGHT PINK kennel, he might not take too kindly to convos about how much she loves weiners… ;)

    • kindofamess
      October 5, 2011 at 1:01 pm #

      Jethro bought Maggie the BIGGEST dog bed EVER for downstairs and an even bigger one for upstairs. Seriously, you could fit a Great Dane in either…What is it with hubs and their puppies??

      The best part is watching them wince as they crunch down on it. Seriously, it’s better than soaps….

  15. Jennifer
    October 6, 2011 at 7:14 am #

    Ohh, my dog LOOOOVES Bully Sticks!

    On a related note, I recently picked up “Texas Toothpicks” at the local pet food shop. They’re made by Merrick and Finnegan loves them. Supposed to help with breath/healthy teeth/gums, etc.

  16. alice
    October 24, 2011 at 11:01 am #

    I once got my dog some random meaty looking treats at the pet store. And… turns out they were cow esophagus dog treats. Which doesn’t sound that gross. But I can’t even begin to explain how horrendously awful they smelled. Our apartment smelled like rotting animal carcass for days and my husband made me swear on my life I’d never buy them again. Of course, my pup Soqueta LOVES them… she has such refined tastes. So I think I’ll be sneaking them into the house for her birthday or something. She just gets so sweetly excited about them that I can’t resist.

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