I’m judging you. It’s not good.

I try to be non-judgemental.  No, really, I do.  I want to support everyone in everything that they do, as long as it doesn’t injure or inhibit anyone else.

Even if what they are doing is stupid and wrong.

But there are just a few things that chap my hide.  And if you do it, know that I am quietly judging you.

1.) Uggs with anything but pants.

Really, ladies?  REALLY?  I know this is a typical thing to hate, but a young woman sporting a pair of pink Uggs and a pair of shorts almost move me to violence.  And if they are over the age of 19, I feel I should have the right to pull those stank-ass pieces of sweaty, fungus-y fur off their feet and beat them to death with them.

2.) Strangers under the age of 60 who tell me to smile.

Dude.  I’m having a day.  My kitten could have just been run over by my terminally-ill cheating husband’s gay lover. You don’t know what’s going on in my life. Maybe I don’t WANT to smile. If you’re old enough to be my grandfather, you get a pass. But unless you’re pulling Social Security, you leave me and my moods alone.It’s creepy.

3.) Folks who talk about their journal.

I journal. I did it for class and I do it for myself. But it’s like changing your tampon, unless we’re in a situation where it comes up in discussion, no one wants to hear about it.

4.) Bad parenting

This one is dicey. I’m pretty lenient when it comes to kids; when I hear one screaming in a store I usually think they probably just need a nap. And if I hear your child talking back to you, demanding something or screaming because they don’t get their way, I’ll probably look at you with sympathy. Because kids are kinda little shits, you know?

But if you don’t automatically take charge of the situation, I will be aiming my stink-eye your way. You know why you have a bad-ass little kid? Because of your parenting. Demon seeds aside, you can’t not establish boundaries and then wonder why you have a mouthy little child. Nothing warms my heart more than seeing a mom who pulls their screaming child out of the cart and then walks out of the store, leaving all of their groceries behind and talking through clenched teeth the whole time. You go, mad mom. Not letting your child grow up to be a jerk, that’s love right there.

5.) People who describe something as life-changing.

Honestly, you just read The Secret last week. 7 days of better behavior is not a life change, it’s a change in mood. Give it some time before you describe it as life-changing.

Also, don’t call something a game-changer unless you can adequately describe the game.  That’s annoying, too.

6.) Spitters.

Everyone has their bodily function they can’t handle. Mine is spit. Hate it. HATE IT. Listening to someone spit in public is revolting. I’d rather have a cheese grater taken to the inside of my nostrils. GO TO THE BATHROOM OR KEEP IT IN YOUR MOUTH!

7.) Women who swear their 3 inch heel are comfortable.

THEY ARE NOT. You’re just numb to the pain at this point. I know it, you know it, everyone knows it. It’s cool, they’re adorable and look great on you. Girl, you are suffering for that cute pair of pumps. Own it.

8.) Guys who want me to listen to this song.  No, REALLY listen.

I’m sure the new Kings of Leon cut is amazing and the lyrics insightful. Making me sit there quietly listening to the whole song, to “really get a feel for the lyrics” is stupid. The only one who will willingly do that is the drunk girl who you brought back from the party at Steve’s last week, and that’s because she didn’t want to jump on you just yet lest you think her a slut. Everyone else thinks you’re a toolbag.  Quit it.

9.) Men who swear they don’t like porn.

The exception is when their significant other is around.  But if a man’s partner is nowhere in earshot and they say, “You know, I just don’t like porn,” you’re either a liar liar pants on fire who is not fooling anyone, or you’re into weirder shit than is appropriate to talk about in public. Either way, we should not be friends.

10.) Anyone who doesn’t love my dog.

I mean, really. Look at her.  LOOK AT HER.  How can you not love that face?  There’s a hole where your heart should be.

Images from styleguidance.com, wellyousaythat,

26 Comments on “I’m judging you. It’s not good.”

  1. Kirsty
    February 7, 2011 at 6:35 am #

    BAH HA HA. Hilarious. You had me the whole way down, until you got to the porn bit. I’m going to sound like the most naive woman in the world, but honestly, my husband’s not into it. Or, more accurately, hasn’t been into it since he was like 14, which was around the time he left a porn mag propped open above the sink in his mum’s bathroom and went out and forgot about it. AWK-WARD. The worst part is she never said anything, just placed it prominently on top of the bin. Criiiinge. But anyway, he honestly, honestly isn’t into it. Or lap-dancing clubs either. He physically ran away from a stag night (bachelor party) to avoid going to a lap dancing bar – he actually called me to pick him up and hid from the rest of the guys while he waited. He was like, “Well, I could hardly just tell them that I find it seedy and degrading and offensive to women, could I? So I had to hide.” Obviously.

    But I’m with you on the dog – those eyeees… I melt.

    • irisira
      February 7, 2011 at 6:47 am #

      Ha, mine isn’t either. He also doesn’t like strip clubs.

      Now, if *I* were to do a boudoir photo shoot, or strip down to sexy lingerie, he likes THAT … :)

      • kindofamess
        February 7, 2011 at 2:07 pm #

        According to my super scientific view, as the said partner, y’all’s data is skewed. BUT I will categorize your men as anomalies and I modify my hypothesis – Fibbers or creepsters or Irisira and Kirsty’s boys.
        But strip clubs aren’t porn. They don’t count; they’re a whole other animal. A sometimes classy but mostly seedy and strewn with stomped self-worth and broken dreams other animal.

        • irisira
          February 7, 2011 at 7:53 pm #

          Fair ’nuff, and I never said my boy was the norm, either. I agree he’s not.

          And I would add that Playboy and Hustler and the like are a different beast from Internet Porn or Skinemax, etc.

          Also in fairness, hubby does like scantily clad women (which, duh, he is straight and has a pulse), though he’s never bought any, to my knowledge (and I wouldn’t care if he did, so there would be no reason to hide it).

          Maybe … (mostly) indifferent is a better description?

  2. irisira
    February 7, 2011 at 6:45 am #

    I’ve been known to say a pair of 3-inch heels are “surprisingly comfortable.” Meaning, that is, no, of course I’d rather wear my Merrell sandals any day of the week, but they’re not nearly as bad as they look.

    That is one very adorable dog. I agree – how could you not love that face? :)

    • kindofamess
      February 7, 2011 at 2:09 pm #

      See, that’s perfect! Surprisingly comfortable is perfectly okay and preferred. Surprisingly comfortable says, “hey. I thought these would hurt, but they don’t, isn’t that cool?” And then I’d be like, “AMAZING. Tell me more about your wonderful shoes and where I can get some.”

  3. Kristin
    February 7, 2011 at 9:54 am #

    Yes, yes, yes to all of these.

    But especially yes to the 3-inch heels one. If I’m walking in them for more than 2 minutes, I want a fucking medal. Maybe they’re not as bad as the other 3-inch heels I have, but they still hurt and damn it, I deserve to look that good.

    • kindofamess
      February 7, 2011 at 2:12 pm #

      I’m of the mindset that if your feet hurt or your underwear is uncomfortable, you can’t be in a good mood. To start your day out right, you need comfy shoes and underwear. Otherwise it’s all downhil from there….

      • irisira
        February 7, 2011 at 8:00 pm #

        Very true.
        Unlike shoes, however, there ARE thongs that are comfortable. Specifically, these.

  4. Trisha
    February 7, 2011 at 10:22 am #

    You just redeemed my Monday. Or came close to it. Thank you.

    Can I add the sweatpants with writing on the ass to the list of truly heinous, should never be seen in public things/ I mean really, if you have the phrase “Sexy Bitch” bedazzled across your bum you are just wrong. There’s such a thing as indoor only clothes sweetheart.

    Also Maggie? Cutest dog. I would never want to leave the house if it meant leaving that face. I’d be one of those crazy dog ladies. You know, who bring their dog everywhere.

    • kindofamess
      February 7, 2011 at 2:14 pm #

      YAY! I need a sash that says “The REDEEMER.” (I really just want a sash.)

      Yes, you definitely can. Especially if the writing says “Juicy”. And have you ever sat on rhinestones? Not comfy, why would you wear sweatpants that are uncomfortable? That defeats the purpose of sweatpants.

  5. Meg Mooney
    February 7, 2011 at 10:23 am #

    I love it! Spitting? Check check double check. And as for porn, mine likes it enough to make up for the other guys.

    • kindofamess
      February 7, 2011 at 2:17 pm #

      If I can watch Dr. Who and imagine a world where he is my sexy trench-coated boyfriend, my man can look at pictures of boobies. It’s only fair.

  6. lizzie
    February 7, 2011 at 10:58 am #

    I f*cking hate bad parenting. I worked in a portrait studio for two years and you wouldn’t BELIEVE some of the shit I saw…the least harmful of which was a distasteful onesie on a FOUR year-old (why yes, that IS too old for a onesie!) that said “Yo mom! I’m thirsty!” Yuck.

    Sometimes parents make me REALLY upset. It makes me hate their children and feel sorry at the same time.

    • kindofamess
      February 7, 2011 at 2:19 pm #

      GOD, YES. And a ONESIE? Ridiculous. And creepy.

      I worked at a dance studio and I never knew who I wanted to spank more – the children or the parents.

      Although I did have small victories. Like when an especially bratty little girl’s brother was walking behind her and then leaned forward and blew his nose in her hair.
      Still makes me smile…..

  7. Jo
    February 7, 2011 at 1:56 pm #

    Maggie is ADORABLE.

    Thanks for the pet peeves! I judge if you don’t use your turn signal. Which C doesn’t, but then he’ll try to do it sarcastically, like when pulling into a driveway. Sigh.

    • kindofamess
      February 7, 2011 at 2:22 pm #

      She makes me happy. Except when she looks at me longingly as I leave in the morning. Then I feel horrible…

      I judge for that too. If I complain, Jethro likes to turn his on for two clicks and THEN merge.

      That should be No. 11 – Passive-aggressive compliance of reasonable requests….

  8. Sarah
    February 7, 2011 at 3:21 pm #

    Oh God … the Uggs. ::shudders::

    The only time the Ugg + leg combination is acceptable is during winter (read: below freezing), while walking or taking public transport to work. You know, with the dress shoes in your bag. Travel shoes.

    And during those times, I judge the ones NOT in warm boots of some kind. Hey girl-with-her-nose-in-the-air wearing spike heels, on the metro? It’s 25 degrees outside. Cover your damn legs up.

    • kindofamess
      February 7, 2011 at 3:54 pm #

      YESSSSS.

      Some things should not be allowed. I feel like writing my congressman.

  9. Meghan
    February 7, 2011 at 3:57 pm #

    Yay for Alyssa having blog. Hilarious as always and the spitters, they can be banished from my island as well.

    • kindofamess
      February 7, 2011 at 4:05 pm #

      I would visit your island.

      And bring fruity beverages.

  10. christy
    February 7, 2011 at 6:36 pm #

    Your dog is damn cute! And yes.yes.yes on the parenting!

    • kindofamess
      February 7, 2011 at 9:45 pm #

      Thank you! And since you have the nephews of immense adorableness, you know good children! :-)

  11. Sharon
    February 7, 2011 at 6:37 pm #

    YES. “Heels are comfortable” is the non-wedding equivalent of “Oh, planning my wedding hasn’t been stressful at all! It’s been all unicorns and rainbows. I love it!”

    I judge parents who buy their young kids coffee drinks at Starbucks. Does that fall under your definition of bad parenting?

    • kindofamess
      February 7, 2011 at 9:49 pm #

      YES. Although my New Orleans best friend’s mom used to serve us “baby coffee” when we were little. Half coffee, half milk, barely warm with loads of sugar. We had lattes before Starbucks left Portland.

      Although, maybe they give them coffee because even though they get all hyper, they’ll crash hardcore? Like kiddie crack?

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